That’s right, Mr. Chomps. Mid. Season. Finale. Ah. It’s been a crazy first half, and now like a real jackass of a boyfriend, AMC is going to make us all wait until Valentine’s Day to get anything good, well February 10, but same diff. But, we do have this one last episode to savor, so let’s get to it, shall we?
We open with a whole new group of survivors running through the woods, fighting off walkers. They are led by, who’s that? Cutty!
He’s from The Wire, if you haven’t watched it yet, what are you waiting for?!?!?! As our compadre Jim said, welcome back, soldier. However, on this show, we’ll be calling him Tyreese (Chad Coleman). He’s with Sasha, Ben, Allen, and Donna. As they’re retreating, Donna gets bitten by a walker. You’re not dead yet, Donna, but it’s only a matter of time. These folks happen to stumble upon the prison refuge of our favorite band of survivors. Seeking refuge, they go through the fence and over some rubble.
Over in Woodbury, Andrea is primping, apparently in preparation for Mr. Coleman’s “cremation”, like the Governor’s not going to put that head in a fish tank. Speaking of heads in fish tanks, after Andrea leaves, the Gov heads into his, um, aquarium, Walker-quarium? Yeah, that’s it. He let’s his little walker daughter out of her cage for a bit. When she fails to respond to his gentle ministrations and soothing singing, he gets pissed, puts a bag over her head and shoves her right back in. I bet he was an awesome dad before the zombie apocalypse too (all possible sarcasm implied).
Down in the cells, Maggie and Glenn huddle together, she assures him that the Governor did not rape her, just to assuage any fears for what may have happened off-screen. Knowing they have to do something, Glenn crosses the room, rips the arm right off of the dang walker and MacGyvers up some shivs for himself and his lady. Fantab. Later, the Gov is filling Merle in on his plans to wipe out Rick’s crew and just let the prison repopulate with walkers. He wants Merle to get Daryl to be their man on the inside. Merle’s okay with that, as long as Daryl doesn’t get hurt. Daryl not getting hurt is always the best course of action.The Governor also wants Merle to take Glenn and Maggie to the “screamer pits” which, huh? Are these maybe the places where they catch walkers for their Walk-to-gon? When Merle goes to fetch Glenn and Maggie, they spring into action, Maggie shoving her walker-shiv through some guy’s throat (Bye, guy!), while Glenn fights Merle. Thanks to his weakened state, Merle gets the better of him, but Maggie now has the other guy’s gun and trains it on Merle. He agrees to let them go, but only because Caesar and the boys are sneaking up from the back with guns.They force Glenn and Maggie to their knees and my girl Mags tearfully tells Glenn that she loves him.
Rick, Oscar, Daryl, and Michonne are busily planning their assault on Woodbury, Michonne disappears and returns telling them that she’s found their entry point. Thanks to the previous, violent interlude in the interrogation cells, Rick and the Gang follow the gunshots to where Glenn and Maggie are being held. They use a smoke grenade to get them out of there. Meanwhile, gunfire has erupted in the streets. The Governor tells people to get inside and turn of their lights because Woodbury is under attack. Much like you watching MTV’s Diary of…, he thinks he knows, but he has no idea.
The rescue party and rescuees head into a house to regroup, well everyone except for Michonne, she heads off on her own little mission. Glenn tells Daryl that Merle is the one who beat him up and that Merle was going to execute them. Daryl wants to find Merle, but Rick’s all, “gut-check time buddy, I need you with us.” Daryl agrees to get his head in the game.
The Governor’s also rallying his troops, sending his inexperienced fighters out to battle, while telling, the very experienced Andrea to check on and reassure residents. For the first time, I agree with Andrea that she’s more qualified to do anything that she’s wanted to do than anyone else. Except for the sex, I bet she’s pretty qualified at that. She suggests that Hailey go instead, but the Gov wants someone with authority to keep everyone from panicking. I guess being the Governor’s girlfriend gives you authority, because she’s been in Woodbury all of 15 minutes, I bet the brunette PR flack from before Andrea’s arrival misses her authority, if you know what I’m saying, and I think you do.
In the prison, Carl, Hershel, and Beth hear screaming coming from somewhere, Carl wants to go check it out, Hershel doesn’t want him to. Carl respectfully stops short of saying, “Are you going to do it, peg leg?” and says that his dad would go, then takes off. He also has apparently come across a silencer recently, which is pretty nice. He follows the screaming towards the boiler room, but is distracted from going where he had to kill his mom by seeing Tyreese and his pals in the laundry room. They’re engaged in wicked fighting with the walkers, but our boy Carl starts picking those suckers off and turns the tide. When the room is mostly clear, he wants to leave the mostly dead (mostly dead is not all dead, too bad they aren’t near Miracle Max) behind, but her friends refuse and he get’s all, “Come with me if you want to live.” I know I just mixed a bunch of references there, it’s been a long day.
Back in Woodbury, people are still shooting a bunch, and when he’s just about over the wall, Oscar gets shot. Maggie has to give him the head shot. See you around Oscar, we knew you about as well as we did T-Dog, and Tyreese is here now, so that’s enough black guys, I guess. Really show? Anyway, Rick sees someone coming toward him through the smoke and thinks it’s Shane, except of course it’s not Shane because Shane’s way-dead, and Rick is apparently not yet recovered from his trip to crazytown. Great. Finally, Rick gets his shit together and shoots Not-Shane right in his giant melon.
Meanwhile, Michonne is waiting for the Governor in his sweet bachelor pad. She hears some noise, goes to investigate and finds not only the Walker-quarium, but also the Governor’s little walker daughter. What I found amazing here is how sweet Michonne is to Penny before she takes the bag off of her head. So, what I’m going to do is imagine a before-world in which Michonne taught kindergarten and was the bestest teacher in the whole school! She does, however, take the bag off of Penny’s head and see’s that she’s all walker-fied just in time for the Governor to walk in to the apartment.
He begins begging Michonne not to kill his daughter, as usual, Michonne’s all, “are you crazy?” and puts her kitana right through Penny’s little head. This leads to a big, old, knock-down, drag-out between the Governor and Michonne. It ends like this:
Then, Andrea comes in and this happens:
When Michonne finally walks away, Andrea enters the Walker-quarium for the first time and seems just slightly horrified, instead of that full-on horrified I think most of us would get. Man, the Governor must be a pretty sweet lay. Anyway, she takes him to the doctor instead of freaking out. This is where we meet eye-patch Governor, Captain Governor? No.
Meanwhile, in the prison Carl has led Tyreese to Cell Block C’s common room, where Donna is totally, definitely dead. Fare thee well, Donna, we knew ye not at all. Carl wants to shoot Definitely Dead Donna in the head, seeing as she’ll soon be turning and his baby sister Judith is just steps away. Tyreese tells him that they take of their own. Ben and/or Allen (I don’t know, whichever one is wearing a denim vest. In Georgia. When everyone else is wearing short sleeves. He’s probably evil.) is crying over her and finally agrees to let Tyreese get on with it, covering her face with a red bandana before skulking of to hug Ben or Allen, whichever one he wasn’t. Just as Tyreese is about to lower the hammer, they hear the closing and locking of a cell door. Beth stands behind Carl who tells Tyreese and Sasha that they have food and water, and will be safe in there. Sasha protests, but Tyreese agrees, saying that this is the safest place they’ve been in months. He also defers to Carl, calling him a man and saying that it’s “his house.”
In Woodbury General Hospital, the doctor (not The Doctor, but that would be awesome. Make it happen Kirkman.), puts gauze over the Governor’s eye. Andrea demands answers for Michonne, the Walker-quarium, and last but not least, Penny. In lieu of an answer, he glares evilly. Later, we’re in the Walk-to-gon and the Governor is speechifying about the attack, saying that the attackers were terrorists. The worst part, he says, is that the terrorists used one of their own to get inside and fingers Merle. Uh oh, Merle, looks like the Governor is pissed about you lying about killing Michonne. Adding a giant cherry to Merle’s shit sundae of a day, the Governor announces that Merle’s own brother was among those who attacked Woodbury. Caesar, or some other henchman, shoves a hooded figure forward and reveals it to be the missing Daryl. *GASP* I swear, the Governor, if you harm one hair on his greasy little head, you will bring down the wrath of a bajillion fangirls. As the “civilized” crowd chants “Kill them!”, Andrea looks horrified and the Governor turns to Merle saying, “You wanted your brother, you got him.” Yikes. How will our boy get out of this pickle?
And that, my dear reader, was the first half of season 3. We had joy, we had sorrow, we had enough blood to fill the dang Grand Canyon. It. Was. AWESOME! I can’t wait to see what happens in the second half. See everyone in February!