So, at the behest of my dearest, oldest friend Sara, I’m starting this Girls recap thing, even though come February, I’ll be tackling this and The Blah-King Dead. I do these things because I love you all. Don’t make me hurt you, or myself.
Just in case anyone forgot, last season, we met Hannah (Lena Dunham) and the other girls. Hannah is an aspiring writer, who got cut off by her parents, had to make it in the real world, found out she got HPV from her gay ex-boyfriend, had a creepy boss, had a main hook-up Adam who eventually fell all sorts of hard for her and got hit by a truck. Marnie (Allison Wilson) is Hannah’s up-tight best friend and does something or other at an art gallery, last season she dumped her longtime bf, got hit on by Jorma Taccone, and masturbated in her office. Jessa (Jemima Kirke) was bohemian, nearly had an abortion, almost had an affair with her nanny boss and actually, impulsively married Chris O’Dowd (who wouldn’t). Finally, Shoshanna (Zosia Mamet), who is Jessa’s cousin, was hilariously clueless, accidentally smoked crack, and was deflowered by Gross Ray. Are we all up to speed now? Okay let’s get on with the recapping, after the cut…
We open on Hannah and Elijah (Andrew Rannells) in bed together. (Remember, Elijah is Hannah’s gay ex-boyfriend who moved in after Marnie and Hannah roommate-broke up.) They lament the fact that his mattress is arriving and gush over loving living together, then Elijah says this:
Then we check in on Shosh, who’s busy sage-ing her bed, thanking the universe for her gifts and asking it to curse Ray. I’m down. Meanwhile Marnie is getting downsized by her airhead boss, essentially because said airhead boss screwed the other employee and doesn’t want to get sued. In our final scene before the credits, Hannah is sexing up Donald Glover. In a not-so-subtle nod to all the folks who wanted more diversity among the cast, the sex talk goes something like this:
- Donald Glover: You wanted this.
- Hannah: I wanted this so bad.
- Donald Glover: And now you’re getting it.
- Hannah: Now I’m finally getting it.
- Donald Glover: It’s about fucking time.
Then, in a record store, Hannah lays down the rules with Donald Glover (what? We don’t know his name). He’s smart enough to know that this is about Adam. Hannah wants to wait to tell Adam she’s met someone else until he’s capable of wiping himself.
At Adam’s, Hannah is loving watching Bye, Bye Birdie, which makes one more thing we have in common. Adam is being depressed, and in love with Hannah, and not really caring that she’s pity taking care of him, because it’s her fault he got hit by a truck. He wants to know what the big is since they get along, and have previously liked fucking each other. Exact words:
In the morning, Hannah tries to sneak out, Adam has to pee and demands she get a literal pot for him to piss in. Adam is really, really bumming me out this season.
Meanwhile, Marnie is having lunch with her mom, Rita Wilson. She’s giving Marnie shit about losing too much weight, Marnie’s giving her shit about dating a cater-waiter. Marnie also reveals what a bitch she is, saying she’s meaner to her friends than to her mom.
Hannah and Elijah are setting up for their housewarming party, discussing what other parties they could have. Hannah wants food parties, Elijah wants a salon. Hannah secretly wants to cut hair, and her dress is attacking her body. I know it’s a thing that they’ve talked about, that Hannah is poorly dressed, but man, her clothing is aggressively bad. Hannah needs a friend that would take this dress out to a trash can and burn it like a hobo fire. Elijah starts talking about his handsome, rich, suave boyfriend when Shosh shows up, wearing a facinator with a feather, blathering about Ray. She’s been mainlining 1980s issues of Seventeen, she’s “deflowered, but not devalued.” Apparently she’s also been binging on 40s movies, because when the party begins and she runs into Ray, in dramatic fashion, she says this:
Outside of the bathroom, Marnie runs into ex-bf Charlie waiting for his new girlfriend to pee. Marnie thinks this is adorable, new girlfriend is irritated and looking for pot. How has Audrey lasted with boring, old Charlie for this long?
Shosh is karaoke-ing “Beautiful Girls” by herself, with no one paying attention.Oh, Shosh, never change.
THANK GOD! Hannah is changing, saying her dress makes her feel like a stupid, sailor nun. Eh, this description will work. The dress she’s changing into doesn’t really, but Marnie is having real talk time (instead of grabbing the sailor nun dress and burning it, which is why she’s a terrible friend), but I digress. She wants to know if they’re okay, and if they should try harder to spend time together, I’ve been there, ladies be growin’ apart. Hannah’s avoiding, and also playing nurse to Adam. Marnie’s having a shit time, so it’s all about Marnie.
Elijah’s rich, suave, older boyfriend is shitfaaaaaaaaced. He wants to karaoke “Hot Lunch Jams”. When Elijah tries to take the mic from him, George turns into a total, total dick. Winner! Elijah needs Hannah’s help to rid him of George, Hannah needs to go get Adam’s pain pills. Elijah offers unlimited Adam talk time in exchange for her help. Hannah counters saying she doesn’t talk about Adam that much. Elijah’s “Are you fucking kidding?” is priceless. He’s my new favorite.
As Charlie and Ray sing “House of the Rising Sun”, badly, Hannah leads George down the street and essentially uses the, “Hey, look, over there!” trick to try to get rid of him. You’d think Ray’s singing would have been enough. She then sits on the stairs waiting for him to go away. Charlie’s girlfriend “isn’t stoned enough to deal with this”, and leaves. She’s a keeper. Marnie and Charlie make with the awkward talk, in which Charlie explains how one has a conversation.
Shosh is looking for her purse when Ray comes in, complimenting cheese plates and being sad that he’s been unfriended on Facebook. Ray’s right, it’s easy to dismiss a text full of Emojis (panda, gun, wrapped gift), but you cannot dismiss Shoshanna’s borderline–Aspberger’s awesomeness. They start making out. Tough. Shosh deserves more, or better. But not the guy from Pitch Perfect that wouldn’t sleep with her last season.
Hannah drops Adam’s pills off and tries to flee. Adam gets serious and tells her he’ll die if she leaves him. He wants to know how she could have changed her mind. Dude, you went from being awesome and weird to being mopey and weird, Donald Glover is way better than you on his worst day.
Back at the ranch, Marnie is BELTING “Building a Mystery”, Elijah’s working harmonies. I know that Allison Williams’ voice is better than this, but it’s some A-1, first-class, drunk singing. They talk about starting a band. Elijah is concerned about breaking up with George, because their lives are so entwined, in that George pays for everything. Marnie could never be a gay man, because she hates giving blow jobs and having anal sex (she assumes), both key elements of being a gay man, I hear. Elijah says he might be bi-sexual and starts hitting on Marnie, more Real Talk with Marnie. And more Awkward Times with Marnie as they try to go and have the sex. Elijah can’t get hard, because he’s GAY, and also Marnie is rolling her eyes. They stop, embarrassed, Marnie tells Elijah he doesn’t have to try to be anyone he isn’t, Elijah tells her the same.
Finally, we see Jessa and Chris O’Dowd returning for their honeymoon. He’s using a wildly exaggerated fake accent to navigate through the crowd. When they finally get a cab, Jessa can’t remember their (his) address. This bodes well.
Marnie ends up a Charlie’s apartment because she “just wants to sleep next to someone tonight”. Oh boy.
Hannah goes in for some late night Donald Glover lovin’ and uses the line, “Can I borrow The Fountainhead?” Perfect.
That’s our first episode. Tune in for the rest of the season. Maybe Adam will get awesome again. Sigh. We’ll have Elijah and Shosh. Hopefully for always. Double sigh. More stuff like this might happen: