So, thanks to my parents’ old, but beautiful house and it’s old, but beautiful, wiring, I was sans internet for most of last week. It was like being a pioneer. I’m really sorry Mike & Sara, I hate to disappoint you. Also, HBO didn’t tell me they were showing the latest episode of Girls on Saturday-freaking-night so as not to compete with the Super Bowl. Downton didn’t even sweat that shit, yo. What we had in episode 3 was a coke-fueled fun fest and Marnie finally getting some, episode 4 featured a disastrous Hannah-hosted dinner party, real feelings and Jessa meeting the parents. Now that we’ve got the over view, let’s dive in to the drug-laced meat of the episodes, shall we?
Episode 3 – Bad Friend
We begin with Hannah being interviewed by Jamie (pronounced Jame) at JazzHate.com (which HBO bought, but didn’t bother to do anything with, which is one place they fail where HIMYM succeeds). She hires Hannah to write, it’s about time show, Hannah would at least have an over-sharing blog. She wants Hannah to do something outside of her comfort zone, so Hannah takes her suggestion to take a bunch of coke and write about it to heart. And we’re not talking about caffeinated soda.
Meanwhile Shosh is hanging out with Jessa while she has a sidewalk sale, Marnie is handling the money, I think.
Hannah wants to get coke, Jessa thinks it’s for Adam, Marnie tells her to ask Laird, the junkie from the building. So, Hannah goes to meet Laird (Jon Glaser, who you might know as Councilman Jamm from Parks & Rec). Laird is wearing a weird hat, complimenting Hannah’s WiFi network’s name, sitting on his futon and drinking pomegranate juice. He also has a turtle who can be a real asshole sometimes. Even though he’s clean, he offers to find Hannah some cocaine.
Marnie is across town getting felt up by old businessmen who want wine when she runs into Booth Jonathan (JORMA!), who finds her job fucking depressing. Marnie yells at him about how his art sucks, which he likes and whisks her away for some sex. When they get to his house, he shows her is new work. The work is mostly an Investigation Discovery dollhouse, and what looks like being stuck inside of an early-90s Beck video that’s playing Duncan Sheik. Also, props to Duncan Sheik for this tweet:
Booth locks Marnie inside the Been Caught Stealin’ video while he goes about his business.
Hannah & Elijah are discussing what she’s going to wear and how they have to go dance somewhere because AndrewAndrew is djing. Elijah is officially the worst gay friend ever, because he picks out this for Hannah to wear:
They talk about their dreams. Elijah wants to visit a prison and raise showdogs. Hannah wants to learn how to write checks properly and have a traditional wedding. They also decide to write down their ideas on the wall of Hannah’s bedroom. That’ll be a great idea tomorrow.
After what he deems an appropriate amount of time, Booth lets Marnie out of the Duncan Sheik nightmare. Marnie’s response is “What the fuck, man? You’re so talented.”
At a club, Elijah and Hannah are feeling VERY sexy. Also Hannah’s biggest dream and worst nightmare are having sex with herself. I only caught that Elijah thinks Hannah was stolen on second viewing. Love him. While dancing, Hannah trades shirts with some sweaty guy wearing a yellow mesh tank. She’s now tits ahoy! More snorting coke, more dancing. The song they’re dancing to is actually pretty great, it’s “I Love It” by Icona Pop.
Over at Booth’s Marnie’s having what looks like really not fun sex in a gorgeous bed. Seriously, I love that bed. Booth wants her to talk about a doll’s feelings. This is not what I would have expected from someone’s whose pre-game sex talk was so good. Maybe no one ever talked to Booth about how he could improve. Marnie’s not about to be the one. Girl, it’s a service to womankind to give a fellow some pointers. Don’t let them go through life thinking they’re the bomb when they’re not.
Back in the nasty club bathroom, Elijah and Hannah are snorting more drugs. He tells her she’s beautiful even though he doesn’t really like it when she wears her tits out like that. They have SO MANY MEMORIES! His honesty leads to telling her that he fucked Marnie. He quotes Rizzo. (LOVE) Hannah looks like she might vomit and asks if he fucked her in a “sexual way” and if he felt all of her ribs.
Marnie pee-texts Hannah that she’s at Booth’s house. In a Duane Reade, Elijah needs supplements. He also explains to Hannah that not everything’s about her. Aw, Elijah, honey, she’s never going to get that. Laird is there too, allegedly shopping for socks, but actually following Hannah to protect her. Laird starts crying, he gives some heroin to Elijah, who “might want to save it for later”. When Hannah receives the pee text, the all jet over to Booth’s, where Marnie made her stalker-walk all summer.
While Elijah roams Booth’s house, Hannah tells off Marnie about the whole having sex with Elijah thing, and being sort of a shitty friend, listing things Marnie has made her do that she didn’t want to do. She ends it yelling about Marnie being a bad friend. So, we have our episode title, huh?
Oh, and Hannah tells Elijah he’s moving out, because he ruined everything. Laird appears and wants to get the fuck out of there, I’m guessing he was in the Booth Jonathan hell-chamber. Oh, hey! Hannah starts making out with Laird, telling him it’s just for tonight and for work. Fade to black.
Episode 4 – It’s a Shame About Ray
In this episode, Hannah host a dinner party, complete with wacky hijinks. Or total disaster, depends on your perspective, I suppose. But first, Elijah moves out. Hannah vaginas back and forth all over his chairs because George, remember him, wants Hannah to keep everything in the apartment he paid for. Then Elijah hilariously compares himself to a vintage cardigan. He also mentions a butt plug that he bought, that’ll reappear later.
Jessa is arranging flowers and preparing for dinner with Chris O’Dowd’s parents. Who she doesn’t seem to have met yet. She tries to distract him with some boobies, especially the good one. I really can’t believe the character of Thomas John is that good at sex, no offense to Chris O’Dowd, I don’t believe Jessa would be into him.
At Hannah’s, she’s making pad Thai for her guests, which now include Charlie, Charlie’s girlfriend, who’s starting a mustard company, and Marnie, who’s never done anything that great, not with condiments.
Hannah says that she and Marnie are fighting, but won’t say why. When she emerges from the bathroom, Hannah won’t let anyone leave. Ray & Shosh arrive late, Shosh launches into explanation, Ray shortens it to sex, because they’re all adults. Hannah’s hair looks really pretty here. Marnie asks where Charlie’s girlfriend gets her headbands, which I love, the asking, not the headbands.
Confirmed, Jessa has never met her husband’s parents.
Here comes the butt plug! Hannah doesn’t like them. Shosh has never heard of one. She has no idea why anyone would want to use them.
The table explains. Marnie hates the word “butthole” in the way lots of people hate the word “moist”. Charlie’s girlfriend chooses this time to bust out what she sees as Marnie’s stalkeresque behavior, and the time Marnie needed to sleep next to someone. (AUDREY! Charlie’s girlfriend’s name is Audrey!) Hannah will not take a stand in this fight and cannot fill the awkward. She tries by asking Ray about his living sitch, which leads Shosh to realize they’re living together. Also, Charlie leaves to talk to Marnie.
At the parental dinner, Jessa is telling Chris O’Dowd’s parents about her life and travels. Her stories lead them to believe she’s probably a flake, and not ambitious like Fern, who ran the Oprah network. Jessa thinks that heroin is so fun, that if it wasn’t terrible for you, everyone would have it coming out of their eyeballs. Chris O’Dowd’s mom is not impressed.
Charlie’s talking to Marnie on the roof. Marnie is unsure about everything, which is probably reflected in her new jeans and t-shirt wardrobe. Charlie tries to kiss Marnie. When she tells him that she’s seeing Booth, he is displeased. He tells Marnie she’ll never have his wang again. Big loss.
He then goes downstairs and tells the room that Marnie is a cunt. Charlie’s a total “Nice Guy”, you’re a bitch if you don’t want him. Hannah shows that she’ll always be Marnie’s friend by sticking up for her, even if she also thinks Marnie’s a jerk. Ray and Shosh are still on do-they-or-don’t-they live together. I hope the recipe Hannah made was actually called “Nothing Bundt Trouble”.
Jessa and Chris O’Dowd are fighting. Just think, if they hadn’t gotten married, this would have just been the end of a shitty two month, mismatched relationship. Instead, the unicorn is giving Jessa $11,500 to go away.
On the subway platform, Shosh and Ray have an incredibly heartwarming exchange. Shosh is falling in love with him, Ray is already so fucking in love with her. The power of Shosh is making me like Ray. You know, on this show, Zosia Mamet looks so young, at any press event, she looks 10 years older than anyone else in the cast, including Ray.
At home, Hannah is singing “Wonderwall” in the tub. So we’ve come 90s full circle with the Lemonheads episode title and now Oasis. Jessa comes in crying and gets in the tub with her. Hannah just holds her hand while she cries. Jessa drops a snot rocket in the tub. Not that we ever have, or ever would do something like this, but the finding a way to laugh through the imperfection and tears of life reminds me of my best friend. Sniff. I love you Greene Bean!
And, that’s our show for 2 weeks! You guys, this season is so good. It’s really hitting it’s stride. Next week, Hannah meets that guy who Ellen Page conned into thinking she’d cut his balls off in Hard Candy, a.k.a Nite Owl, a.k.a that guy who shows his junk in everything. You know what that means, peen time! Patrick Wilson! That’s his name. I might be having some early onset thing going on, you guys.
By the by, I had to track that trailer down on something called Rickey.org. It seems to be Girls, Glee, American Idol, Beyonce-centric. I’m going to pretend it’s an entertainment blog started by a late-30s Rickie from My So-Called Life. You do that too, okay?