Hey, y’all! James J. and I are back at it again this week and we’re tackling the tough questions this week, like will Jaime ever quit whining? What happens when you call the Mother of Dragons a whore in a language she actually understand? But most importantly, what’s in the box, Varys?
I’ll never be able to resist a Seven/What’s in the box? joke and I’m not sorry. Try not to hold it against me as we move in to this week’s Game of Thrones recap, hmm.
LACEY: Jaime’s luck is turning from bad to worse. What’s the worst thing that happens to him this episode, drinking horse piss or getting the shit beat out of him by John Hawkes-lite and company? Or, OR getting having Lady Brienne give him the old “Buck up, Buttercup” speech?
JIM: We should not be surprised by Noah Taylor (aka John Hawkes-lite) leading a bunch of evil cretins since he did play Hitler in a movie once and then did something REALLY evil by appearing in Tim Burton’s completely unnecessary and downright blasphemous Charlie & The Chocolate Factory. If it were me I’d go with drinking horse piss as the worst part of my day, but prideful and egotistical Jaime would most certainly go with Brienne’s pep talk. He just can’t handle her being right, but ya know, his own severed hand hanging around his neck probably doesn’t help.
LACEY: In a brilliant scene, Tyrion goes to Varys for proof of Cersei trying to kill him and gets the story of how the Spider got his, um, tree trimmed. Turns out he’s got the sorcerer who took his manhood in a box (I’m sure his reasons are threefold), what waits for this poor, kid-mutilating bastard?
JIM: Let me start by saying that threefold box jokes will NEVER not be funny. That being said, that sorcerer has some bad times ahead as Varys makes a point of stressing his patience for revenge. Whatever he winds up doing to him it’s going to be slow, painful, and probably involve hot pokers shoved into dark places. He should probably let Joffrey watch, seems right in his creepy wheelhouse.
LACEY: It seems like Joffrey has a hard-on for gruesome Targaryan deaths, which he tells Margaery all about while Cersei and the Queen of Thorns plan their wedding. Margaery wants to take a walk through history, while the other ladies talk about actual history, King Robert’s death, which indeed seems like a lifetime ago. Cersei seems terrified by the Tyrell ladies’ fondness for power, feminist theory and the love of the small people, in turn. So, my question is, does Cersei think Margaery is usurping her power, or that the Tyrells will plan to kill Joffrey and put Margie on the throne? And, as a challenge, I’d like you to come up with your own gruesome dragon/fire related death for Rando Targaryen, a former king of Westeros.
JIM: Ooh, that’s a nice wrinkle – I am definitely rooting for them to kill Joffrey and put Magpie on the throne so she can institute Naked Queen Tuesdays! Oh those wacky Targaryens, they have a gruesome death for every occasion, don’t they? Challenge accepted: I imagine Rando as a patron of the arts and as such he invites Gene Simmons and his KISS Army to King’s Landing. During a performance of God of Thunder, Gene’s trademark fire breathing stunt goes awry, charring Rando and ending his reign. Where are the dragons? It’s gotta be the shoes.
LACEY: What the fuck, dude? What game is this guy playing, “Hey, Theon, Imma break out of Torturetown, save you from being captured, make you think Yara is going to save you and take you right back on down to Torturetown.” Seriously, who is this guy? What is his deal and why did he pull this enormous mindfuck on Theon?
JIM: I do not recall this mindfucker from the book series, but I may be mistaken. I have an admittedly contradictory theory about Theon and where they are taking his storyline. One is that Theon is so hated for turning on the Starks and sacking Winterfell that people are enjoying seeing him tortured physically and they are really giving people what they want by upping the ante with the psychological torture. Two is that is that Theon is so hated for turning on the Starks and sacking Winterfell that they are trying to make us feel sorry for him. He clearly deserves punishment and the physical torture is justified but maybe they are hoping that people will find the mental torture cruel and over the top, thereby making them more sympathetic towards him. Or maybe I’m just drunk.
LACEY: Varys & the Queen of Thorns seem to be striking up an alliance, he uses his newly whorequired information to try to help Sansa escape Littlefinger. They create a plan to betroth Sansa to pretty Loras Tyrell, but will our little bird ever get to have a sexless marriage with the Knight of Flowers? Or, will Littlefinger take her away and make her his Catelyn-replacement child bride?
JIM: First, kudos to the writers on this amazing scene. I don’t recall if it’s dialogue from the book but the line spoken by Varys about Littlefinger: “He would see this country burn if he could be king of the ashes” is fucking brilliant. Is it wrong of me to wish for Sansa to marry Loras, become the sister of the Queen Margaery, then have them seek comfort in each other’s beds cuz ya know, their men aren’t doing it for them? Is that too much to ask??
LACEY: Uh oh! Shit’s getting real at Craster’s. A guy who I’m sure is Burn Gorman, and it is! But IMDB did not make it easy to find. Anyway, Burn Gorman of Torchwood and The Dark Knight Rises, starts a riot over wine and sawdusty bread. Rast feels this is an appropriate time to put a sword through the belly of the fucking Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch. Sam takes Gilly and the baby and runs. Will Rast take over the Night’s Watch? Will Sam and Gilly get to safety?
JIM: Newscaster Ron Burgundy summed it up perfectly: “Boy that escalated quickly… I mean that really got out of hand fast. Brick killed a guy.” Rast doesn’t have what it takes to be the Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch, though it would seem all it takes at the moment is starting a food rebellion, so maybe… Sam & Gilly may have escaped from Craster’s Keep and Sam treasonous brothers but perhaps he should consider what is waiting out there – White Walkers, anyone? You stay classy, Westeros.
LACEY: Thoros of Myr takes Gendry and Arya to the cave-lair of the Brotherhood Without Banners, and we get to meet Beric Dondarrion, who it appears is still following Ned Stark’s orders. He gives a nifty speech to the Hound, Arya accuses said Hound of murdering Micah, the Butcher’s Boy. Looks like the Hound will be facing the Lightning Lord in single combat. Who will come out of this alive? And, is Arya really the bravest person in the room?
JIM: Well, the Hound is scared of fire and we don’t know a whole bunch about this Brotherhood just yet so yeah, it’s possible that Arya is the bravest. Even if the Hound bests Dondarrion in combat, do they let him leave the cave alive? The Hound hasn’t been the same since the Battle of Blackwater so I don’t know if he’s got it in him. Plus, he referred to Thoros as priest – does he have the same powers as the other religious figure we know from this show? Will he be birthing a shadow baby assassin like Melisandre?? I’m scared.
LACEY: KHALEESI!!! Yes! The “Oh shit!” look on the gross slaver’s face when he realizes Dany speaks Valyrian is so priceless. The surprise of Barristan, Mormont and Pretty Lady Slave is pretty great too. And, her speech is good, essentially, on my word unleash hell. Literally, she has a dragon that breathes fire. And he breathes that fire all over that filthy-mouthed slaver. Turns out our Mother of Dragons has ice water to match the fire in her blood. I love it when she drops the whip like she’s dropping a mic! Will that and the Unsullied be enough to take Westeros?
JIM: I was eagerly anticipating this scene from the books and it didn’t disappoint! At first I was concerned they wouldn’t spend the money on the CGI and just use the Unsullied to murder the slavers, but they came through with just enough and it was super-effective. Honestly, I’m kinda worried for everyone back in Westeros cuz they have no idea what the fuck is coming for them. Hell hath no fury like a khaleesi scorned.