Game of Thrones Recap – The Bear and the Maiden Fair

 Season 3 Episode 7 – The Bear & the Maiden Fair

JIM: Lots to cover this week, so let’s jump right in, shall we? Tyrion seeks counsel from Bronn, his confidant-for-hire, whom, by the way, seems like the most reasonable man in Westeros, doesn’t he? He then explains to Shae how he will marry Sansa & knock her up but wants to hook Shae up with a house and some armed guards and a nice Forever Lazy to lounge in whilst she waits for him to swing by and knock HER up. I think I saw her swoon…oh no, she’s pissed, just back out of the room slowly… How does this untenable situation work itself out??

LACEY: Uh, um, awkwardly. I think Sansa should be kind of scared, I’m pretty sure Shae would cut a bitch for messing with her little lion/meal ticket. Although, Shae does have a nice little piece of resume padding now, she was handmaiden to someone who was almost queen. There have to be at least a dozen lesser houses that would love to take her on. And with that, plus “funny whore” under her special skills section, how could that go wrong? It’s kept me gainfully employed throughout my adult life.

JIM: I had planned to  make a Shae the Funny Whore pic using Funny Girl with Babs Streisand as a template and when I googled Funny Girl there was an interesting array of photos I can never unsee….so, I’ll just leave this here:

JIM: Grandfather bitchslappping his grandson – I can’t say for certain it is the first time I’ve wanted to see it, but it was for sure the first time I’ve wanted to see it so badly. However, Tywin Lannister is so damn imposing, that all he had to do was slow walk up six or seven steps to make Joffrey pee himself a little and that was indeed satisfying. At what point does Tywin just say “fuck it” and take the throne for himself?

LACEY: At this point, Joffery is just a petulant little figurehead for his BAMF of a grandpa. The problem with this petulant, little figurehead is that he has a penchant for public disobedience that results in all-out war, and that whole shooting whores with crossbows thing (sadly, not a euphemism). Although, given Tywin’s opinion of whores, he might like Joff’s method of, um, shooting them better than Tyrion’s. To answer your actual question, I think Tywin is still too beholden to the old ways and laws of the land to just take the throne. I wouldn’t put it past him to get rid of Joffery if he becomes too problematic and really start pulling some puppet strings when Tommen is crowned.

JIM: Well, isn’t this just turning into the BFF story of the century? Or considering the opinion of Brienne’s looks held by seemingly everyone in Westeros, perhaps bromance is more fitting? Regardless, Jaime’s redemption takes another giant stride forward as he returns to Harrenhall to save Brienne from being mauled by a motherfuckin’ bear. Are these two crazy kids gonna get it on before season’s end??

 LACEY: I think that the whole Brienne/Jaime sitch is really a true friendship. I think they respect each other as warriors and have come to care for each other through mutual hardship. What I’m saying is that I don’t see any romance here, just straight-up homies who have each other’s backs, even if that means jumping into a bear pit. Risking getting mauled by bears for your friend is some deep shit. I have 1 maybe 2 friends I’d jump into a bear pit for, but thankfully, we live in modern times and the most I’ll probably ever have to do is defend them on Twitter. All that being said, we are watching Game of Thrones, which is referred to in at least one recap as Game of Boners and forced the coining of the term “sexpostion”, so they’ll probably totally do it.

JIM: After being taken against his will by Melisandre in the last episode, Gendry sure seemed kinda chill and awfully chummy with her aboard their ship in this episode, no? She drops the Baratheon bomb on him and he was all like “meh.” Meanwhile, Arya is PISSED at Beric and Thoros as they decide to road trip instead of taking her directly to Riverrun, so she hightails it outta there, past the slowest guards in the history of forever. Unfortunately for her, she runs directly in the waiting arms of the Hound. Just how fucked is Arya at the moment?

LACEY: I think you’re asking the wrong question. Just how fucked is the Hound right now? Arya hates his ass, and bitch will cut a stable boy for looking at her the wrong way, I’m also pretty sure she doesn’t sleep and considers Death her god. She’s essentially the most terrifying 11 year-old since Macualy Culkin in The Good Son. Except her fury is righteous, which makes her even more dangerous. She’s been saying his name in her little Death prayer every night, so you know she is focused. The Hound best sleep with one eye open.

Also, re: Gendry, I’m scared for him and his pretty blue eyes. In a moment of vaguely-spoilery book stuff, if memory serves, we’re 5 books deep and he still doesn’t know he’s the king’s bastard. Melisandre laying out there like that, all “There is power in king’s blood.” makes me think that nothing happy awaits him on Dragonstone. Unless Shireen teaches him to read before Melly Mel sacrifices him to the Red God.

If he was a rapper in Westeros would he then be Grandmaester Melle Mel?

JIM: So Robb and Talisa talk about some stuff and she tells him she’s preggers (ew) and whatnot. Lacey? Umm…Lacey…hello…I know Robb’s royal ass is all dreamy…oh forget it, I’ll give you a moment to recover. When you’re finished, perhaps you could rank the following Game of Thrones man ass from 1-5: Robb Stark, Hodor, Theon Greyjoy, Jaime Lannister, Brienne of Tarth (zing!).

LACEY: Oh, Jim, you know me so well. And I know you well enough to be surprised you didn’t put Grand Maester Pycelle’s ass in contention. Thanks for that. You know I like a list, and I’m going to count it down for you. At number 5, Hodor, that hodor of hodoring hodor, his hodor is just okay. Hodor. 4. Theon Greyjoy, sorry Alfie, even a nice ass is a traitorous ass. 3. Brienne of Tarth, ‘cause mama don’t discriminate based on gender, hot ass is hot ass. 2. Jaime Lannister, that ass attached to that brain is a winning combination, even if he has diddled his sister. And numero uno, Robb Stark, the King in the North, because a dark ginger with a Scots accent always wins. Always will.

JIM: I had planned on asking a question about roamer, wanderer, nomad, vagabond, call her what you will Dany Stormborn but then I happened across this gif on http://magneticpie.tumblr.com/. Pure fucking genius.

 

* Joffrey slap video by http://www.youtube.com/user/WesterosTales?feature=watch

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