Game of Thrones Recap – Season 3 Finale

Season 3, Episode 10 – “Mhysa”

JIM: Walder Frey, you gloating, self-satisfied son of a bitch! In the aftermath of the Red Wedding, Frey dines casually and makes funny with the new Warden of the North, Roose Bolton (forever young!) whilst the Stark blood is wiped from the floor. We learn of Bolton’s plans to perhaps one day occupy a rebuilt Winterfell and that his bastard Ramsay Bolton has been the one torturing Theon for 10 fucking episodes. My question: do you believe Bolton’s ambitions end as Warden of the North or does he have designs on one day sitting the Iron Throne? Should Walder Frey and the Lannisters trust the family with the Flayed Man sigil?
 

S.P.: Interesting thought. I don’t think I ever even thought about him having designs on the throne, but then again, who WOULDN’T want to be king? As someone once said, “It’s good to be the king.”

Anyway.. The thing about Roose Bolton is that we’ve only seen glances of him so far, so really, who the hell knows what this dude is after? I mean, he just got himself the title of Boss in the North simply by stabbing his king in the heart. Easy peasy, right? Seems to me that Roose is smart (and unscrupulous) enough to do anything to be on the winning side of things AND no one knows his true motives. What that equals is that this guy is one dangerous S.O.B. I think he just put the whole of Westeros on notice. He even started wearing nothing but black leather a la Tywin Lannister.

LACEY: Never trust a Bolton, they will always betray you. Whether it’s cutting off their sweet, flowing locks a la Michael, or by stabbing you or cutting off your dick, it will always end in tears. I don’t know if his final designs are on the Iron Throne or not, but that’s kind of the Westeros endgame. I mean, if you’re a power hungry sociopath, the Red Keep is essentially Disneyland, right?

JIM: Speaking of Ramsay, seems he’s given Theon a new moniker (Reek). And call up Andy Samberg cuz somebody’s got a Dick in a Box, which is now in the possession of Balon & Yara Greyjoy. Being the awesome Dad he is, Balon’s all like “eh, fuck it” but Yara has a better idea. In one epic voiceover she announces: “I’m going to get on a motherfuckin’ boat with my flippy floppies and in this life or the next, I will have my vengeance.” Or something similar to that. Can Yara succeed AND does Theon deserve what he’s currently enduring or have his debts been repaid? 

LACEY: That was a lot of Lonely Island references up in there, are you excited for their new album? Avoiding the subject? I am not avoiding the subject! I just like my dicks in boxes to also be attached to men, you know? I think Yara does too, which is why she’s probably so pissed off. And Theon, he deserved a lot, probably death just for what he did to the people of Winterfell, and to his real family. I’m just not really sure that anyone deserves what Ramsay Bolton is doing to him, I mean, castration is one thing, but making someone a eunuch without the benefit of a skilled medical professional around… How will he pee? How does Varys pee? Eliminating water waste is a critical human function, how does it happen if no one creates a pee hole for you? Yes, this is what I stay up nights thinking about.

Ed. note: Lacey’s answer caused me to google “pee hole” for an accompanying image. This was my reaction to what I saw.

WTF, Internet?

S.P.: I love me some Yara Greyjoy, and I love the fact that she’s going to go and rescue her little brother, whether he deserves it or not. Like Tywin says… family first… or something. So, there’s the family aspect to it, which makes me like her and this scene a bunch. AND since she’s set up with a quest in the finale, it seems like a logical conclusion that she will be featured just a tad more during the next season, and I like that lots as well.

What struck me as odd about the whole deal is that she’s only taking 50 men with her on the motherfuckin’ boat. Two questions here:

1. Is T-Pain one of them?

and

2. Even if one of them is T-Pain, is that enough to get her brother home??? 50 people, no matter how bad ass they are, seems a bit light to me to invade a castle. Then again, as we learned from Akiva Schaffer, you can’t stop her, motherfucker, ‘cause she’s on a boat!

Moving on to her brother. It goes without saying that what Ramsay is doing to Theon is beyond sadistic, however, during the scene with these two, I found myself thinking, “Hmm… you know, he could be worse.” (Side Note: What kind of fucking problems do I have?)

First thing when watching the scene: I really did think that it was Theon’s wang Ramsay was eating (and not in the good way). It wasn’t. So, like I said, that could have been worse.

And while I was thinking that this depraved fuck is eating Theon’s “favorite toy” while he makes Theon watch, I was like, “Oh no… he’s going to make Theon eat some! He’s going to make Theon eat his own cock!! (again, not in the good way)” So, that would have been bad. Like really, really, more-over-the-top-than-he-has-been-so-far bad.

THEN, as I was fully grossing myself out even more than the scene was doing to me already (which is a LOT), I was wondering if Ramsay made Theon beg him to cut it off the way he did with the whole Pinky Finger Game they played a few weeks back.

Yeah, issues. I have them. I’d rather not think about this anymore. And I also really think I need to see a shrink like ASAP. UGH!

JIM: I make a motion to encourage the use of the name Crakehall in any vulgar situation where some sort of ass euphemism is required, for example – “Shove it up yer Crakehall” or “I wish he’d give me a Crakehall Steamer”… But I digress…Hats off to Pycelle for a sweetly executed dick move by dropping the important news of the Red Wedding on the floor so Tyrion would have to fetch it. Ahh, classic Pycelle. Equally enjoyable was Tyrion asking a visibly excited Joffrey if he’d killed some puppies that day. After yet another threat by Tyrion to kill Joffrey, Tywin sends his grandson “to bed without dinner.” He then proceeds to regale Tyrion with a tale of the virtues of family loyalty during which he emphasizes that he wished he had carried baby Tyrion into the sea and let the waves take him away. Alrighty then…what a horse’s crakehall! Shit just seems to be getting worse for Tyrion, so what is his next step? Try to make a baby with Sansa? Or just allow her to remain a “technical virgin” by only entering her crakehall? Ok, I’m done. I think. 

S.P.: The puppies line was yet another great one for Tyrion. I chortled when he said it. (Yes, chortled. I chortle sometimes, so back the f off!) The thing that was the most interesting about this scene was that everyone was waiting to see how Joff getting in his grandpa’s face was going to play out. Shit, I was interested and on the edge of my seat, and I’m sure most people watching at home were as well.

In showing that the king really isn’t even a major player in this game, Ty Ty just sent him off to bed without even breaking a sweat or raising his voice. The kid is absolutely no match for the baddest mo fo in Westeros.

And as far as what Tyrion’s going to do… eesh, I don’t know. He has a wife who he’s supposed to impregnate post haste, and a knife-happy whore who’s not all too happy with him right now. Plus his dad and his sister kinda hate him. The dude’s certainly fucked (and I don’t mean by Sansa Stark either). Hey, at least Varys believes in him.

LACEY: I’ll try to work it in, but I’m not much for the crakehall play, personally. It kind of seems like Tyrion has to talk sense to Sansa, right? At this point, the best thing for them both is to have a baby. Maybe. It could secure their positions, on the other hand, after there’s an heir of the Stark line to become Warden of the North someday, why bother keeping them around. Tywin clearly doesn’t see the man that his son is, the brains, empathy and plain-old will to go on that Tyrion possesses are what make Varys think he’s the man to save Westeros. But, all the head Lannister sees is the drunken disappointment who came into the world by taking his mother, and the love of Tywin’s life, out of it. I have to wonder if he really even believes Tyrion is his son.

Also, big ups to everyone in that small council scene. From Pycelle’s jerkiness, to Varys’ eye rolling, to Cersei’s attempts to calm everything down, to the suppressed laughs at the “You should speak more softly to a monster” exchange, to “A man who must say I am the king isn’t much of a king at all.” I think I actually gave Tywin 2 snaps and around the world there. Men on Film would not have hated it.

JIM: Umm…was that Robb Stark’s body with Grey Wind’s head attached to it?? Arya caught a nice glimpse of her dead brother’s mutilated body before she and the Hound happened upon some Frey men gloating about the Red Wedding round a campfire. She whips out the coin Jaqen H’ghar gave her and offers it to them in exchange for some food. Psych! Instead she stabs one of them repeatedly about the neck and shoulders until the Hound finishes them off. Is this Arya’s fate? Is she destined to become a killer and perhaps avenger of her family’s name?

LACEY: Yes, Jim, yes it was Robb Stark’s body with Grey Wind’s head sown to it. And, those guys are lucky that Arya got to them first, I might have gone all Ramsay Bolton on their asses. One thing’s for certain about our girl Arya, no way should could ever go and be a lady in a castle somewhere, homegirl is made of tougher stuff. I think that each man she kills, each terrible thing she sees takes her one step closer to using that coin Jaqen H’ghar gave her. He knew the force (of killing folk and vengeance) was strong in this one and he couldn’t pass up the chance to send her off to Killer Academy– I hear they have a nice internship program with Murder Incorporated.

S.P.: It’s no doubt that Arya is becoming a killer… well, not becoming, is. She is a killer. Ever since she got to King’s Landing, all the girl’s been doing is studying up on how to kill. Be it through Syrio, Jaqen H’gar, the archer with The Brotherhood, and now The Hound. The girl’s got a lot of rage in her… you know, as if you hadn’t noticed by the way she was repeatedly stabbing that dude in the face. (The first one looked like it was in the neck, but after that I’D like to think that she was stabbing assclown in the face, just because that’s like WAY more brutal and hardcore that it already was. I’m noticing a trend here in my thinking. Yes, therapy pour moi. Stat.)

In short, it looks like she’s going to kill a lot more people. Even Mellie Mel told her of all the eyes she was going to shut for the last time. The question is: Will she be a “good” killer or a “bad” killer? I guess we’ll find out at some point. It seems like she’s leaning toward “good,” though. I mean, she begged The Hound not to kill that dude with the pig cart last week. So, let’s see if she can stay that grounded while engaging in shenanigans and wacky hijinks with one of the biggest, baddest killers in Westeros.

Shenanigans & Hijinks You Say?

JIM: Davos is hooked on phonics and he doesn’t care who knows about it! Also, he’s had just about enough of Melisandre’s plan to sacrifice Gendry so he busts him out of his cell, puts him in a rowboat and points him toward King’s Landing. Not surprisingly, Stannis is annoyed and sentences the Onion Knight to death. Davos plays his trump card, a note from the Night’s Watch spelling out the impending doom that is brewing north of the wall. Melisandre convinces Stannis that Davos still has a part to play and they must go north and defeat the evil that gathers there. Is she fucking crazy? Is she leading Stannis to his demise?

S.P.: As evil and witch-like as she comes across (no offense to our Wiccan friends out there), it does seem like Mellie Mel does want to keep “the darkness” at bay. And seriously, is there anything more wholly evil on this entire show than the shit that’s going on north of The Wall? (Well, maybe the Ramsay/Theon thing, but like I said, I’d be really happy to move on from that because it’s haunted me enough. I just can’t seem to, though. Ack!)

Anyway, props to Mellie for realizing the evil of the white walkers, and props to Stannis for being so whipped that he can’t say no to her… like ever. Well, at least not after he lost the Battle of the Blackwater because he sent her home, which was actually on Davos’ suggestion. Davos and the Red Woman have been at odds since the jump, so if they’re finally agreeing on something, there must be something to it, right??

LACEY: You may be right, she may be crazy, but she may be just the lunatic that Westeros needs, to paraphrase the great Billy Joel. Because I don’t believe she’s leading Stannis to his demise, at least not purposefully. I believe that Mellie Mel buys every word of her advice to Stannis. She believes that he is Azor Ahai reborn, and that he will lead Westeros to glory. If she has to kill a few of Robert’s bastards along the way, so be it. What Davos was doing was trying to remind Stannis of the man he was, he also didn’t have much to lose and wasn’t going to let another good kid die for the whims of the highborn if he could stop it. I guess we’ll be taking the whole Baratheon show north to the Wall next season, eh?

JIM: While Hodor explores his fascination with the Nightfort acoustics, Bran tells a creepy story about killing guests beneath your own roof (heads up, Walder Frey) before falling asleep for the evening. He’s awakened in the middle of the night by a bumbling Sam and Gilly, who puts 2 lame legs and a direwolf together to surmise he must be talking to Jon Snow’s brother. Relaying the story of his white walker beat down, Sam pleads with Bran to come with him to Castle Black but Bran is insistent: he must go north of the Wall. Sam guides them through a tunnel in the Wall, then makes it to Castle Black to warn Maester Aemon about all the shit that’s been going down. What does the future hold for Bran and his companions? Will they survive? How long before Sam, Gilly, and baby Sam all simultaneously die from stupidity?

LACEY: You know, for someone so incredibly stupid, Sam really is quick on the uptake, and knows how to get what he wants. He figured out who Bran was, and talked Maester Aemon into letting Gilly stay with them. Good on you, Sam, good on you. I’m more concerned about them all dying from terminal boredom. And by that I mean that I will kill them before I let them kill me. Hodor.

S.P.: I would have said that Bran and company have a better chance of survival with only Meera and Summer protecting them than Silly has at getting back to Castle Black. But, as we saw later in the episode, Silly does indeed make it all the way back to the castle, where they kind of get a bit of a reprimand from Maester Aemon. Surprisingly, Sam makes a good point about “the realms of men” and whatnot. Maybe he’s wising up. Maybe since he survived north of The Wall and actually killed a white walker, the dude’s starting to get his shit together. I can only hope so. If he doesn’t, he and his girl are going to wind up killing us all… with banality.

I don’t know who made this but it sure made me chuckle

JIM: Proving yet again, that he indeed knows nothing, Jon Snow stops for some water, is confronted by a VERY pissed off Ygritte then basically dares her to aerate his body for him. She obliges and buries three arrows into his emo ass. He makes it to Castle Black and is happy to see his old pal Sam. Was Ygritte trying to kill him or just wound him? How many tissues did you need during Jon’s confession of love? Can these crazy kids ever work this out? Where was Tormund Gianstbane? So. Many. Questions.

S.P.: I’m thinking after the third arrow there’s no way these two can work it out. I mean, one could be an accident. Two is a bit suspicious. But loosing three arrows at a lover… yeah, that’s when it gets to the point of being irrevocable.

I have a counter question here, and I’m not sure I know the answer. Do you think that she didn’t kill him on purpose? I mean, we’ve already been shown that the chick can certainly Legolas it up when she needs to (OH NOES! I’M MIXING FANTASY WORLD REFERENCEZ!!!). I say she couldn’t kill him and missed doing so on purpose. Sure, shooting three arrows at someone might lead you to believe otherwise, but, then again, I’ve always been a bit of a romantic.

LACEY: I don’t think she could have killed him, but next time the meet, watch the fuck out Jon Snow. I love you, but I’m too noble to be with you has to be the worst, most bullshit excuse ever. But, I’m going through my own stuff right now, so maybe I’m projecting. I think this is one of the tragic love stories of the series. Jon can only be with Ygritte by turning his back on everything he’s ever known and becoming straight-up Wildling. That’s it, there is no or. He would also have to prove, once again, that he’s abandoned the Night’s Watch. He killed the Half Hand last time, what would he have to do this time? There’s just no way he could ever do enough, plus you know that dick Oren found a way to tell Mance Rayder what’s up, either that or Ygritte escaped Tormund Giantsbane who’s on his way to tell Mance Rayder. Staying with the Watch is the only way Jon stays alive.

JIM: And finally…the Kingslayer has come back….to King’s Landing! If ya smeeeeeellllllllllll how my stump is stinkin’!! Jaime strolls into town and is immediately mistaken for a country bumpkin. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. He lays eyes on his lover/sister for the first time in forever and when she sees him, all she can do is gasp. What is in the future for these two? Can Cersei love this newly-humbled and broken Jaime? When will they get it on? Aww yeah…

 LACEY: That shallow bitch doesn’t really want Jaime, not who he is now. She wants the Kingslayer, her cocky, cocksure, swordsman. The man Jaime is now is more thoughtful and empathetic, so essentially more Tyrion, less Tywin. The future is dim for them. Jaime does not need shades.

S.P.: I’m surprised they didn’t get it on right then and there. Though Jaime is certainly a changed man. Maybe he doesn’t believe in incest anymore? It’s hard to say. Losing a body part changes a person. Just ask Theon Grey… er, um… Reek. See? Still can’t get past it. Why did they show all of that stuff with him and the torture and all that??? *SHUDDER*

JIM: Mhysa! Exsqueeze me…meesa likea yousa dragons. Ahem, pardon me…Dany Stormborn-Drogo has set the slaves of Yunkai free…but insists that she can’t give them their freedom since it is not hers to give. They respond by giving her a lesson in Yunkish crowd surfing. What will Dany do with these now former slaves? Does she add them to her roving band of misfits? Train them to become warriors in her dragon army? Or just have them carry her lily-white ass around the desert?

S.P.: Okay, while I’m all for the freeing of slaves and the breaking of chains, I really thought this last scene was a bit cheesy for the last sequence in the season. It was just kind of ham-fisted in my opinion. The shots were a bit too much. I think I counted like three different “hero shots” of Dany during it. It was overdone. I think that so far the show’s producers have set it up like she’s the one we should be cheering for. That’s two season-ending scenes she got so far. The first being when they first revealed the dragons, and this would be the second.

And I think that she could do anything she wanted to do with all of these people. I mean, if you were enslaved your entire life and someone finally came along and freed you, is there anything you wouldn’t do for them?? Looks like the girl’s setting herself up to have a lot of incredibly loyal followers. The good thing about this, and about her character in general, is that it seems like she didn’t do it for followers. She did it because it was the right thing to do. And I guess you get three or so hero shots because of that fact.

I leave on this note, however: Most people prefer pissed off, setting-fire-to-cities Dany a bit more than crowd surfing Dany. It is known.

LACEY: If Dany is going to free every slave between Yunkai and Westeros, this is going to be a long fucking show. What she needs to do is help them set up their own government and move along, but we all know how well that works. So, cull the best fighters for her army and move along? Let’s hope, because this pretty white lady saving the ethnic folks thing is getting a little old, Jar Jar Binks old.

I couldn’t NOT share this image

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