Sweet R’hllor did a ton of shit go down this week! No time for introductions… let’s just get to the questions!!
Es: So in this week’s opening credits I noticed there was no Dorne, and I thought to myself, Well, the odds of this week’s episode being good all the way through certainly improved exponentially!
Anyhoo… let’s start where the opening credits always do, King’s Landing.
First we get treated to FrankenMountain bouncing that dumb fool’s head off the wall and exploding it like a cantaloupe. So is he just like patrolling the streets, looking for people who foolishly brag about displaying their wang to the queen mother???
Moving on, Cersei is not allowed to go to her own daughter’s funeral (for her protection), but Jaime is there dispensing advice to his neph…er, son… I mean, we can drop the pretense now, right? Basically the Kingslayer is all like, “Go talk to your mother,” and Tommen does, because he obviously can’t think for himself… as is evidenced by an actual nice scene with him apologizing to Cersei and asking for her help to make him stronger.
His exit from the sept is also hastened by the arrival of the High Sparrow, who decides that it’s a good idea to start some shit with Jaime. This leads me to more questions, Jim, and they are threefold (well, sorta)…
- Just how do you think that Cersei will toughen up her son?
- How would things have played out differently if Jaime still had his good hand? Would the High Sparrow be the dead now? Could he have taken out ALL THE RELIGIOUS THUGZ? And why didn’t they take him into their prisonchurch? Was it because he confessed? Seriously, that was the most puzzling thing to me about this scene.
- And finally, just where in the blazes is Ser Pounce!? He would have this shit so completely taken care of already.
Jim: I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the triumphant return of the Lannister Googly Dead Eye Stones. Their effect on me every time I see them is, much like a FrankenMountain lovetap to the noggin, hilariously devastating.
But that is NOT what you asked me about so I shall take your queries in order:
- One good way to toughen him up is mandatory rounds of pattycake with FrankenMountain but then he would be dead so Plan B must be to sidestep him completely and make all the decisions herself. You see, Tommen is beyond toughening up and Cersei knows this instinctively.
- I too was perplexed by not taking Jaime prisoner because I genuinely believe Sparrow and the Lancels don’t fear, and perhaps welcome, an all-out war with the crown. More importantly, every time I see the High Sparrow I think “that burlap sack he wears must be ridiculously uncomfortable” but it occurs to me that it probably never even touches his skin because it seems that man has a complete hair suit underneath that robe. It’s like Robin Williams died and willed his body hair to Jonathan Pryce. I don’t fear the Mother or the Warrior; I fear the Hair Suit.
- Ser Pounce is off doing the exact same thing that I am – licking himself in a dark room and dreaming of Margaery’s return.
Es: Hmm… let’s see… let’s go North of the Wall next. Bran’s back, and apparently the kid has some madd skillz now! And look, he’s in Winterfell many years ago, where we see a young Ned Stark teaching his younger brother Benjen how to fight with Older-Stark-Brother-Whose-Name-Escapes-Me-Though-It-Shouldn’t-Escape-Me-Because-I-Know-That-He-Fought-Littlefinger-Because-He-Was-Originally-Engaged-To-Catelyn-And-That-He-Died-At-The-Hands-Of-The-Mad-King-Along-With-Their-Father.
In comes a girl on horseback, and I assume it’s their sister Lyanna, and it is. Personally, I really like the way they shot this scene in that she grabs ALL THE ATTENTION when she comes riding in. I also think that this was very much on purpose, as the trailer to next week previews an incident involving her that is going to be just fantastic… or so I can hope.
Oh, and we also see Hodor…er, Willis. Yes, Hodor has a name!
So, questions… Jim, do you remember if the books say how Willis is transformed into Hodor? If you can’t remember, what do you think happened? Also, if you could travel to any place and time and merely be an observer, where would you go? (I know this isn’t really relevant to the show itself, but me and our ones of fans wants to know.) Lastly, my girl Meera is sitting outside all forlorn about being where she’s at, and, you know, losing her creepy kid brother and all, but then she’s told that Bran will need her and that he’s not going to stay there forever. What does this mean? Where is he going??
Jim: You answered your own question about Ned’s older brother in your second sentence! Bran was named after Ned’s older brother Brandon. [Ed note: Duh…my bad! I actually thought of it before I saw your mention of it here, but I spent all that time typing out his “name” above that I just decided to leave it.] You can’t see me but I’m slowly shaking my head in disbelief right now. I don’t know who you are anymore.
I forget if they touch on what happens to make Hodor Hodor. See, I’m no better apparently. But considering this is Game of Thrones, if there isn’t some sort of rape involved I’ll eat my Hodor. [Ed note: EEEESH!] And if they miss a chance to use “What you talkin’ bout, Willis?” the first time he mumbles “Hodor” then I quit.
Emo Meera was a tad moody, I mean she’s had an entire season to get over her brother’s death. What is Bran doing? I never know what he’s doing back there. All roads seem to be leading to Castle Black, the Wall, and Jon Snow so I will guess that’s where he’s eventually going. Also, let’s not move on to the next question before we mention Ming the Merciless showing up in Game of Thrones AND Star Wars in the same year. Along with Flash Gordon, his Geek Trifecta is now complete and he has a job signing autographs at Comic-Con for the rest of his life.
Anyway, after Arya gets wailed on for a bit, Mean Girl disappears, leaving Arya in the street flailing wildly with the staff, then your boy Jaqen grabs the stick and asks for her name… she says “no one” repeatedly, even after him offering to give her sight back. So, my only real question here is: Is this all it takes?? Like, she gets wailed on for a couple days, then she just has to say that she’s no one, and lickety split she’s invited back to Oreo Hall having fun with the floor sweeping, and the dead body cleaning, and all the euthanasia? What is going on here, Jim?
Jim: For that whole scenario to make any sense I have to tell myself that perhaps they left her out there for months on her own before they came to stick it to her. Get it? Stick… it to…never mind. It did seem fairly easy get back into Jaqen’s good graces since taking someone’s eyesight is, ya know, a fairly aggressive act. And isn’t smashing a blind person in the face with a stick some sort of violation of the Westerosis With Disabilities Act? Unfortunately, Arya’s storyline, while frequently great, has a lot of blah moments. At least make her sell Oreo Hall cookies, like the girl scouts or something. I hear the Thin Mints are to die for. Get it, die, cuz they kill… I’ll stop now.
Es: Staying overseas, Tyrion is just spitting fantastic lines like it’s his job:
- That’s what I do. I drink and I know things.
- If I lost my cock, I’d drink all the time.
- I’m here to help. Don’t eat the help.
- Next time I have an idea like that, punch me in the face.
And finally this exchange:
Tyrion: He makes dwarf jokes, I make eunuch jokes.
Varys: I do not make dwarf jokes.
Tyrion: You think them.
So, Jim, which of these is your favorite? Also, were you as delighted as I was with watching Tyrion touch the dragon for the first time? (Peter Dinklage is, as always, quite awesome.) Do you think that his story about wanting a dragon when he was a kid says anything about a potential, fan-theoried lineage about him really being a Targaryen? What do you think the two newly freed dragons will do now?
Jim: You’ve set me up nicely with the phrase “touch the dragon” but I will try my best to refrain. Tyrion, and Peter Dinklage, continue to delight each and every episode. It’s gotta be tough to stand out in a cast that good, but he is crushing it and the writers clearly love crafting great lines for him. I’d have to go with the “I drink and I know things” line as my favorite. Just pure gold.
I don’t know that I buy Tyrion is a Targaryen, but I do know one of the things I love about his character is his curiosity about the world. He’s studied everything he could find about dragons and his sense of wonderment along with fear as he saw them close up was awesome. Wait, I might have just talked myself into believing that he is a Targaryen… stay tuned.
As for what the dragons will do, a seemingly obvious answer would be to rescue their Mother from the Dothraki, but she did keep them chained up for a long time. Perhaps it’s not the Khalasar that should be fearful but the ex-Khaleesi.
Es: We get a look at Balon Greyjoy for the first time in quite a while. He suffers from his usual delusions about ruling everything, scolds his daughter, then takes a walk on a rickety wooden bridge in the middle of a storm… where he meets his brother who actually describes himself as “the storm”… not A storm, but THE storm… “The first and the last storm,” in fact.
Soooo…at this point, wouldn’t you just sort of back away slowly and get some help? Is there a worse place to fight your ass-up crazy sibling than on a super-shaky bridge in the middle of tempest? And why doesn’t Yara get to be queen? Is it because she’s a woman? It’s most definitely because she’s a woman. Fucking assholes.
Jim: All I know is Damphair is in the motherfuckin’ hizzy and I couldn’t be more excited! We’ve had discussions in the past of my disproportionate enjoyment of the Greyjoy clan and their crazy ass adventures and let’s ratchet this bitch up! Ok, I’ll relax for now but make no promises as the season wears on…
I thought the bridge was a nice metaphor that displayed why Balon gots ta go. His crazy ass brother stood calmly on that swaying bridge and just rode it from side to side. Balon… Mr. Inflexible… was so damn rigid and unchanging that he could barely stand straight and was easy to topple over the side. Or maybe he was just old and his brother was a nutjob, but still…
Yara being a woman has nothing to do with it… you know the Iron Islanders hold a Kingsmoot! What’s a Kingsmoot, our one (or several) reader(s) may ask?
“When a kingsmoot is held, any captain may put his name forward as a candidate for the rule – as among the ironborn “every captain is a king on his own ship” – and name three champions and may try to sway his fellow ironborn with a speech on his prowess and gifts to show his generosity; only once a vast majority call out a candidate’s name to proclaim him king does the kingsmoot end.” – from A Wiki of Ice And Fire
See? She’s a captain and can be King. Or would she be Queen? It does use “him” or some variety like 6 times… maybe it IS because she’s a woman. Damnit, don’t you oppress Yara!
Es: I have to take a moment here to give my writing partner a big shout out for being Mr. Prophecy in our previous recap. A new reader (thanks!) sent me an email with the following note today. This is Jim describing Ramsay in last week’s post, “He ends his heartfelt eulogy with the pragmatic move of feeding her to the dogs since she’s as much a piece of meat to him as is anyone else, including, I fear, his future step-brother.” Fucking. nailed. it! That’s some strong work by you, James!
Anyway, here’s how shit played out in Winterfell this week…
- Roose scolds Ramsay about wanting to go to the Wall to kill everyone… or just Jon, I don’t know really.
- Oh, Roose’s new son is born! Congrats! Congrats all around!
- Annnnnnnd now Roose is dead.
- Oh, there you are…. “Can I hold the baby?”
- Of course… where is Lord Bolton?
- “I am Lord Bolton.”
- Annnnnnnd now Walda and her (literal) newborn baby are mauled to death by dogs.
Okay, Jim, all I have to ask here is what the fuck? What the fucking fuck???
To quickly move past this, I just want to mention that Theon decides to leave Sansa and Brienne and The Best Damn Squire Evurrrr. I guess this had to happen. Theon wants to go home. What are the odds that he gets there?
Jim: Thank you for the props! And while I would LOVE to bask in the glory of my prophetic skills, I fear that when you guess someone is going to die in a specifically awful way on Game of Thrones, you’re proven correct north of 67% of the time.
Let’s take a moment to mourn Roose Bolton, or at least the actor that portrayed him. While he was a lying scheming jerkstore, he was also a wildly entertaining jerkstore. You will be missed… in a weird way.
As bummed as I was to see Roose go, I know you were as excited to hear mention of the Greatjon and Smalljon Umber. While that Karstark douche can go piss up a rope as far as I’m concerned, I miss the rest of the Army of the North.
While the death of Fat Walda and Baby Fat Walda were the least surprising thing to happen in the episode, I was actually squirming in my seat leading up to actual moment. Very tense directing for that scene, and I was overjoyed that Ramsay finally wrenched the #1 spot away from me on the “Last People You Ever Want to Hand a Baby To” List.
As for Theon… if he can survive Ramsay, he can survive the journey back to the Iron Islands and it’s best for him that his Daddy died when his Uncle was helping him purify himself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka. (RIP, Prince.)
Es: Finally… Jon Snow has come back to life!! (See what I did there?)
In what could only be described as the most unsurprising surprise of all time, the late Lord Commander was brought back by the Red Woman… though really… um… I assume her magic brought him back? Maybe it took a bit to work? I don’t know. It has to be that, right Jim?
The whole time this scene wore on I kept thinking, What if he doesn’t come back? What if the episode ended with him on a pyre? Now that shit would be SHOCKING… to say the least. I think everyone watching the show would all shit take a collective shit if that happened, and the interwebz would truly break down from all the peoples saying all the things.
A few more questions for you…
- Do you think it odd that Davos (who is just becoming more and more awesome, btw) was so keen on looking out for Jon’s corpse? Did it strike you as turbo-strange that he went to Mellie Mel to ask her to do some magics on Jon?
- What kind of ass kicking do you think Jon will dispense next week? Will he start with that fuck Little Orphan Ollie? I was hoping that Tormund would bite his fucking face off.
- Best giant moment so far for you… Giant smashing a Crow who fired an arrow at him off a building? Giant stomping and tearing wights in half? Giant with a longbow?
- Who told you that teaming Edd and Tormund up would yield nothing but awesome? Who told you?? I mean, they show up together and pretty much everyone just gives the fuck up. Edd + Tormund = The Day Is Saved!
Jim: You were absolutely correct on Edd and Tormund. They are a re-boot of Perfect Strangers waiting to happen.
I like to picture the Giant on an episode of Jackass – “I’m Wun Wun and this is Crow Wall Smash!”
I think Davos has lost everything. His King, his Princess. The only thing/person he has left that he admires is Jon Snow, so I guess it doesn’t surprise me that he’d want to do everything to save him. Davos is also a realist. He knows the kind of shit that is coming in the form of the White Walkers and that they need Jon if they’re going to have any chance, so he’s willing to put his Red Woman reservations aside. While her magic scares him, he also knows that he’s seen it work with his own two eyes and half hot dog fingers.
I suppose it was her magic that brought him back? I know I had mentioned perhaps he warged out before he died and the way Ghost reacted before Jon woke up still gives me a bit of pause, but we know it’s possible to bring people back, a la Thoros of Myr. I go back to the quote from Beric Dondarrion, who Thoros resurrected, “Every time I come back, I’m a bit less.” Perhaps we shouldn’t expect to get the same, noble, kick-ass do-gooder Jon Snow we had before, and maybe he’ll be something… less?
In case you are keeping track at home: in this episode alone we had two people smashed to death on brick walls, a baby mauled to death by hounds, a father stabbed to death by his son, and a man thrown to his death by his own brother. I fucking love Game of Thrones.
Es: Well, peoples, that’s all we got this week. Hey, Soul II Soul, play us out…