Game of Thrones Recap Spectacular: The Dragon and the Wolf

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GoT BannerSo, yeah, all that happened. Fan service (a fan job?) I loved, tears, deaths, people not dead, people undead, turning of coats, dragons, sexy times, not necessarily in that order, but there’s so much to talk about, let’s just get on a-goin’ shall we?

Lacey: We open outside of King’s Landing, where Grey Worm (Hey! Not dead!) is surrounded by his Unsullied. Bronn is supervising preparations for a coming battle when he comes upon Jaime, looking out over the assembled force. Bronn muses on a eunuch army and what they must fight for, and he also gives Jaime some real talk about what the average soldier fights for. It’s not gold, or family, or country. Turns out they’re all fighting because of their cocks, which, actually, makes complete sense. Jaime comes to see his position, uttering the truest truth I’ve ever heard on this show, “Maybe it is all really cocks in the end.” As they watch the Dothraki arrive, they ruminate on the disastrous outcome of their last encounter with the D, er, Dothraki.

Elsewhere in King’s Landing, the delegation from Dragonstone is arriving, fidgity wight in tow. Jon wonders how so many people, more than in all of the North combined, can live in such a small area, and doesn’t think he’d like it, proving he really was born in a small town, and he can breathe in a small town, his parents still live in that same small town, wait, nope, that’s John Cougar Mellencamp. Jon’s parents are all dead, but I digress.

Also in the harbor is Euron’s fleet of ships, so the gang’s all here for Wightstock. In the Red Keep, Cersei is giving The Mountain the order in which she’d like her current set of enemies killed (Dany, Tyrion, Jon, then he has creative freedom).

We come upon our delegation (Jon, Theon, Tyrion, Varys, The Hound, Jorah, Missandei, and an apparently mute Dothraki), as they run into Bronn escorting Brienne and Pod to the Dragon Pit. Everyone is very, very on edge, and, since he’s on screen, we get the obligatory reference to Podrick’s legendary member from Bronn. We also get a sweet moment of catch-up between The Hound and Brienne, in which they discuss Arya as the amicably separated co-parents of a very dangerous girl. They both practically beam with pride, The Hound almost manages a smile. Almost. 

hound brienne

Inside the arena, everyone is looking nervous AF. The Hound approaches Tyrion and tells him that he left King’s Landing because he didn’t want to die there, and coming back was all Tyrion’s idea, he says, “Seems like every bad idea has some Lannister cunt behind it.” Tyrion’s reply of, “And some Clegane cunt to help them see it through” shifts our focus to Cersei, leading Qyburn, Jaime, Euron, The Mountain and some assorted Queen’s Guard into the pit. Enter family tensions, stage left, we’ve got Lannisters, Cleganes, and Greyjoys that hate each other here. We get the closest we have in a long time to a Clegane showdown, where The Hound tells The Mountain that this isn’t how it ends for him, and that he “knows who’s coming” for him, “always has”. 

Five hundred words in? Seems like a good time for some questions, so who’s coming for The Mountain? What are your feelings on The Hound and Brienne? If it’s not all cocks in the end, what is it? 

Jim: You said “cocks in the end.”

Before I opine on the driving force of cocks, a few observations, if I might. The way the lead up to the meeting was edited did an amazing job of creating an ominous feeling of dread before Cersei and her crew finally strolled into the arena. Jorah and Brienne nervously eyeing the setting and the Lannister guards in pretty much complete silence gave a tension to the scene and a feeling that anything could happen at any moment. Tyrion’s reunions with Pod and Bronn were a nice reminder of just how far apart these characters have been for quite a few seasons now. It’s been quite a long time since Tyrion exclaimed “Shitter’s full, bitch,” and shot his Daddy with a crossbow.

Upon my initial viewing I had thought The Hound was throwing some Clegane family prophecy into The Mountain’s Frankenstein creep face, but on my second viewing, I think the Hound was simply reminding him that he owes him for, ya know, pushing his face into the fire as a child…you know how kids sometimes do, those silly rascals.

I enjoyed the way Brienne didn’t play any games and pretty much immediately got it out there with The Hound. It’s heartwarming that, in Game of Thrones terms, a murderous teen killer with a sack o’ faces can bring two people together to share gruff half-smiles. It warms the cockles.

Speaking of cockles, if Bronn is correct, perhaps the show ends with Pod and his Magic Cock sitting on the Iron Throne?

Es: First off, my big takeaway from the The Hound/Brienne conversation is that he said he was trying to protect Arya. I think we, the viewers, knew this the whole time, and also knew from relatively early on that him and his sad eyes aren’t all bad… but this is the first time he has ever even admitted to being nice and doing something nice. To hear him say out loud to someone that he was trying to protect Arya… that was something, and it’s why Sandor Clegane’s story arc, although pretty secondary in the grand scheme of the show, is one of my favorites.

I’m also very glad that we got what we were deprived of a couple episodes ago: a Tyrion/Bronn moment. They spar, then admit that it’s good to see each other, and I genuinely believe both of them, and think that it’s good to see them together (maybe for the last time?).

BAD BLOOD

Then The Hound walks up and gives his brother that speech… I guess just to get that shit out of the way? Either way, I instantly assumed that it was he who was coming for his brother. Because it always has been. It’s essentially his raison d’être. (Yes, I went there, because I’m fucking cultured and shit…)

Lacey: Still in the Dragon Pit, we’re waiting on Dany, cause homegirl knows how to make an entrance, on the back of a motherfucking dragon. What’s really beautiful, is that we’re seeing a bunch of people see a dragon for the first time: Jaime is still in awe of them, Qyburn looks like he’s trying to figure out how to reverse engineer one, Cersei is just doing Cersei things. For Euron’s part, he looks like perhaps he just got an instant dragon-shaped boner. Cersei bristles at being kept waiting, and points it out. Girl, your basic is showing. 

queenTyrion begins with the speechifying, and is interrupted by Euron taunting Theon about having his sister. The showboating from the sea captain is not taken kindly by the other Lannisters and he is told to sit his ass down. Tyrion’s speech can basically be boiled down to “We all hate each other, and everyone wants everyone else to die, but we’ve got bigger fish to fry here, people.”

The Hound arrives carrying that fish in a box, in the form of the wight they captured beyond the Wall, and just for a second, I thought he was dead dead. Like, maybe the Night King’s magic only extended so far away from him, but it’s very much dead alive. And, The Hound lets it get close enough to Cersei that she probably pooped her pants.

Jon puts on his teacher hat and does a little demonstration of what hurts and kills the wights, while Qyburn looks like he just fell in love, the fucking creep. Jon implores Cersei to agree to a truce, talking about The Great War, which I guess is what we’re calling it. Dany throwing in that she didn’t believe until she saw it for herself, an army of the dead, 100,000 strong. Euron asks if they can swim, when the answer is no, he peaces out, and uses his time to hit on Dany, saying if they each go to their islands, they’ll be the only ones left after this is over. He does not quite grasp the concept of undead. 

Cersei says she’ll agree, but only if Jon agrees to sit out the Queen’s War that will take place after the dead are defeated. Because Jon was raised by stupid, honorable Ned Stark, he refuses, saying he cannot serve two queens and has already pledged himself to Dany. Because she’s as stubborn as she is fearful and crazy, Cersei takes her leave. Brienne stops Jaime on the way out, asking him to talk to Cersei. He starts to talk about loyalty, and Brienne of Tarth, she who scoured the countryside to hold her oath to Catelyn Stark, former King’s Guard to Renly Baratheon, says, and I quote, “Fuck loyalty.” She tells him this is bigger than houses and crowns and oaths as he walks away. Behind her, everyone is telling Jon how deeply and utterly stupid he is. He actually agrees, he just doesn’t care, because honor. He then gives a bit of a speech that’s oddly fitting for the times: 

Anthony Scaramucci, "The Mooch", subtweeting Donald Trump with a Jon Snow quote.

Anthony Scaramucci, “The Mooch”, subtweeting Donald Trump with a Jon Snow quote, because the Google image search I did demanded it.

Tyrion’s response? “We’re fucked.” He’s vulgar this episode, it’s neat. After a short conversation, he sets off to talk to Cersei because he’s the person she’s least likely to murder. At this point, how fucked do you think our heroes are? Like Anthony Scaramucci’s career-fucked? Worse? Also, Brienne and Jaime, discuss.

Jim: Even though I didn’t really think deep down that Cersei would murder him then & there, I have to admit that watching Tyrion walk away was a tad anxiety-inducing. Tyrion, in large part to what an amazing actor Peter Dinklage is, might be my one true can’t-die character. As much as I’m rooting for a ton of them, I don’t think I could recover from The Imp’s demise.

When the most loyal character in the entire Game of Thrones universe throws out the “fuck loyalty” line, you know shit is serious. I loved how much the undead completely un-nerved most of the characters while completely enthralling creepy Qyburn.

Brienne JaimeI’m picturing all of our heroes rehearsing their presentation on the ship on the journey to King’s Landing – “Yeah, next Davos will whip our his firestarter flint and light the torch like a boss. But, damnit make sure it lights in less than three tries otherwise we’ll look like amateurs!”

Es: I agree with Jim’s assessment (though, really, who the f is he to make assessments?) that Tyrion walking off to see his sister was anxiety-inducing. I, too, was super-fearful for him. Because what better way to say “Shit’s ON” then to have possibly the most-liked character on the show die in the finale?

With that in mind, I can’t help but think that he is one of those who make it through to the end… like THE end. But color me optimistic.

And I noted that when Dany climbed down from Drogon, Euron was watching with lust… though I’m not sure it it was for her, the dragon, or both. Then, of course, the dude needs to get in Tyrion’s face, and everyone is like, “Sit the fuck down!” and he’s all, “But I’m not done chewing every bit of scenery yet!!”

Basically, f that guy.

Lastly for me here, OF COURSE Creepburn is COMPLETELY in love with the zombie. I actually found his reaction to everything in this episode pretty on point and creepfully wonderful.

Lacey: In the castle, Tyrion runs into Jaime on his way to talk to Cersei, and, yes, they are both probably idiots. Basically, Cersei thinks that Tyrion’s only goal is to destroy the Lannister family, and she’s revising history to prove it. Because, who cares if Tywin was going to execute him for a crime he knew Tyrion didn’t commit, murdering him cost Cersei most of her family.

He dares her to have The Mountain kill him, bringing up everything she might blame him for, mostly the deaths of her parents and children. When she can’t do it, he grabs a glass of wine and sits to chat. She asks him why he’s backing a “foreign whore who doesn’t know her place”, and he highlights the differences between the two of them, mainly that Dany wouldn’t shit on the world to save her family, and that she’ll make the world a better place. Cersei could not give fewer fucks about the world, just those who are dear to her, the tell-tale Hollywood belly clutch clues Tyrion in that she’s pregnant. 

In the Dragon Pit, Jon and Dany chat a bit about what a moron he is, she tells him that the pit was the beginning of the end for her family. She speaks some Valyrian to him, saying “A dragon is not a slave.” She also tells Jon that she can’t have kids, because “the witch that killed my husband” told her. Jon’s basically like, “Wanna bet?” which is not the smoothest way to hit on a lady. But, Tyrion’s returning, with Cersei in tow. She says she’ll fight with them, sending the Lannister armies North to Winterfell. 

So, with all of that out of the way, how crazy is Cersei at this point? Do we think that Tyrion perhaps cut some sort of deal with his big sister? And, how has Jon Snow ever gotten laid? Dude has no game. 

Ygritte could have saved everyone loads of time.

Ygritte could have saved everyone loads of time.

Jim: “You don’t needs game if you gots abs” – Ancient Valyrian Proverb.

God damn, Cersei & Tyrion have that electric kinda magic, don’t they? Dinklage and Headey seem to save their best work for scenes with each other. I admit, I am Jack’s complete surprise that Cersei was able to resist killing him when he goaded her into doing so. When she didn’t, that voice in the back of my head, the same voice that sometimes whispers “make sure you delete your browser history, for the love of God” whispered “bitch is playing the long con.”

So, I’m still not convinced that Cersei is for realz pregnant. I LOL’d at Lacey’s Hollywood belly clutch line cuz Tyrion could have figured it out when the lush wasn’t drinking her beloved wine. The Queen is way ahead of her time on fetal alcohol syndrome. I certainly admit I could be completely wrong on this preggo thing, and it would appear that whatever Tyrion said to bring Cersei back to the pit had at least something to do with it, ruse or not.

Fuck it, if Cersei is calling her bannermen and pledging the Lannister army to the coming fight against the Night King, I, in my official capacity as Sergeant-at-Arms of the Kiss Army, hereby pledge all of our members to rock & roll all nite and party every day.

Means about as much as her promise now doesn’t it?

Somehow not out of place.

Somehow not out of place.

Es: The first thing that jumped out at me when Tyrion and Jaime started talking is that Jaime said that he just got done “talking at her”. While that doesn’t surprise me, it was interesting to note that he DID listen to Brienne and talk to Cersei (or try to).

Also, while I totally agree with Jim (again? what the fuck is wrong with me??) about how Dinklage and Headey save their best work for scenes with each other, the chemistry between the Lannister boys jumps off the screen at me as well. I really buy the fact that they’re brothers… like I just feel the love and familiarity. They work so well together. It’s a shame that these two didn’t get to be in more scenes together… though maybe they will next season with Jaime also going North? (Though, seriously, I don’t even know what next season can be but one long series of battles, anyway….)

And all of this got me thinking of just how much I love Jaime as a character… which REALLY makes me question a LOT of shit. I mean, first there’s twincest… then, you know, the REALLY big misstep the showrunners had with him… um… raping his sister by their son’s corpse.

Yeaaaahhhh… Now I feel fairly ill.

Moving on!

Tyrion taunting Cersei was nail-biting time for me, because I STILL kind of don’t know why she didn’t kill him. I guess it would have caused King’s Landing to get sacked right then and there? I don’t know.

What I do know is that as soon as Tyrion dodged that proverbial bullet, dude poured himself a drank. I also thought it was nice that he got Cersei a glass of wine too. You would think that these two estranged siblings could bond over their mutual love of booze. If that can’t bring them together, nothing can.

And girlfriend is still crazy as fuck. You know she was going to betray them all. I also saw some stories on the interwebz that suggested that she and Tryion cut a deal, but I’m not buying it. Mostly because I don’t think he trusts Cersei as far as he could throw her… and he really shouldn’t be throwing anybody with his bad knee.

Finally for me and this question… I was not surprised that Jon professed his allegiance here, and I get why he did it, but I also get why he shouldn’t have done it. It was a REALLY interesting moral dilemma kind of question to me, to the point that, as me and my awesome friend were watching together (yes, I do have A friend… and she’s real too!… I think), we paused the episode to discuss. I could seriously argue both sides of it, and I thought the writers did a decent job of arguing both as well.

It also led to my favorite Dany line of the episode, if not of the whole season, “I respect what you did. I wish you hadn’t done it, but I respect it.”

Lacey: At Winterfell, Sansa is talking to Littlefinger about Jon bending the knee and what that means for the North and for her. Littlefinger is feeling himself, leading her through a thought process, “a little game”, that leads to the conclusion that Arya must want to murder Sansa. Sansa has Arya summoned to the Great Hall. Arya is brought before Sansa and Bran, sitting at the head table, surrounded by Stark guards and some fellows from the Vale. Arya asks Sansa if she’s sure she wants to do this. Sansa replies that it’s not about what she wants, it’s about what honor demands, Arya tells her to get on with it. 

Sansa: “You stand accused of murder. You stand accused of treason. How do you answer these charges… Lord Baelish?”

giphyMic drop. Record scratch. Petyr Baelish poops his pants. Arya enjoys wiping the smirk off his face while Sansa lists his offenses. These include, but are not limited to: Killing Lysa Arryn, conspiring to kill Jon Arryn, creating drama between the Starks and Lannisters, conspiring with Cersei and Joffery to imprison Ned and later have him executed for treason.

He’s got a “but” for everything, then he says the thing about Ned isn’t true. Bran selects “Exact Quote” from his list of powers and says, “You held a knife to his throat. You said, ‘I told you not to trust me.'” Littlefinger just about knows he’s through, but can’t stop, won’t stop. He tells Sansa he was just trying to protect her, “by selling me to the Boltons?” she replies. I’m not going to lie, Sansa is serving some boss ass bitch shit right here, get it girl. He turns to the Knights of the Vale, commands to be escorted to safety, the Knights of the Vale decline. He’s on his knees, begging, saying he loved their mother and loves Sansa. Gross, dude, extreme creepiness cannot save you here. Sansa thanks him for all he’s taught her, and stone-cold killer Arya walks over and slits his throat with the dagger he tried to use to have Bran killed. 

So, yeah, thank the Seven, this was the only way the shit that went on at Winterfell made any sense. Bran knew what Littlefinger had done, and the sisters played him perfectly. What do y’all say? 

Jim: As Es likes to point out, I tend to side with the creeps, and Littlefinger certainly qualifies. I thoroughly enjoyed his character on this show, but alas, it seems he could not outwit the children of the woman he had loved since he was a boy. I do think we should take a moment to mourn Petyr Baelish considering without his conniving and double dealing we likely wouldn’t have a story to so thoroughly enjoy. But really, could it have ended any other way for him other than bleeding out on a cold, stone floor? RIP, creep.

Perhaps the line of the night from the Lady of Winterfell: “I’m a slow learner, it’s true. But I learn.”

I still call bullshit on some of the conversations the Stark sisters had out of earshot of Littlefinger. If he didn’t know what was said, then it was only said for our benefit and that is storytelling cheating. I think part of the reason everything has felt kind of rushed this season, what with the characters traveling by Westerosi Hyperloop and whatnot, is that we’re operating on pure plot at this point. What I mean by that is that we’ve met all the characters we’re going to meet and their true motives have already been revealed so there’s nothing new to learn about anyone so all we have are events and those events are unfolding left and right. 

Speaking of creeps, the only thing we don’t know at this point – where the fuck is Robin Arryn??

robinEs: While I agree with Jim (yet AGAIN… ugh I feel icky) that Littlefinger was both a turbo-creep and a profoundly interesting character, I feel like this season they had NO idea what to do with him, and so they ham fisted their way through this whole muffed up, weird plot. It gets us to the payoff, which is fine, but at the same time, they could have gotten us to them putting him on trial and Arya slitting his throat in a FAR better way.

I mean, from the moment Arya and LF first see each other at Winterfell, it was fairly obvious that he was gonna get got and get got by her. The road they took to it, though…. UGH. Seems like the dude didn’t see EVERY possible outcome. Like once he realized Bran could see ALL the things, wouldn’t you think he’d get the fuck out of Dodge??

I will say it was cool that when Sansa accuses LF of conspiring to kill Ned Stark, the camera goes to Arya and her eyes flash to LF. Like that’s the only “go” word girlfriend needs. And I get the dramatic quality of Arya executing him, but do you think the Stark kids had a conversation beforehand where Sansa’s like, “Yeah, so we know he’s guilty and we gotta kill him. Should we get an executioner, or, um, do you want to do it?” and then Arya jumps up and down with glee?

And what’s it like for Sansa seeing her kid sister unremorsefully and without batting an eyelash slit some dude’s throat, who she has known for years, and who, while a CREEP, did actually get her out of the hell she was experiencing in King’s Landing. I think Sophie Turner did a good job of playing the conflict there.

Also, from now on, whenever someone asks me what I want, I’m going to tell them, “It’s not about what I want… It’s about what honor demands.”

LFLacey: On Dragonstone, everyone’s discussing travel plans. Jorah is anti-Dany on the Kingsroad, he thinks she’ll be a target for assassination. Jon offers her the better optics of arriving with the trusted leader of the North, not as a conqueror, but as a protector. Jorah looks like she just kicked his puppy. For fuck’s sake man, just give it up and rename yourself Ser Jorah of the Friendzone. Although, I don’t believe in the friendzone, women don’t owe men sex in exchange for friendship, which makes it an even more mythological place than Westeros. 

Theon catches up to Jon in the throne room, praises him, begs him for forgiveness. Theon tells Jon that he always felt trapped between being a Stark, aka noble, honorable, and good, and being a Greyjoy, aka a treacherous motherfucker. Jon tells Theon that he doesn’t have to chose, that he can be both, and that Ned is a part of him, and Jon forgives Theon for the wrongs that are his to forgive. Everyone agrees that Theon has sucked real bad, but that he can redeem himself, Jon tells him to go save Yara from Euron. This leads us to the beach where Harrag (that’s what close-captioning called him) is loading up boats to sail off and find an island to take over and wait out the war. Theon wants them to save Yara, Harrag isn’t into this idea and a fight ensues. Theon’s getting himself whooped but good, when Harrag tries to nail him in the family jewels. Surprise! Theon ain’t got no jewels, Lieutenant Dan. What he does have is the memory of what he lived through, and has lost, you can see the flame spark in Theon’s eyes (a spectacular bit of acting by Alfie Allen), and just like that, the eunuch gets his groove back. He beats Harrag, rallies the Iron Islanders, and they set off in search of Yara. 

So, Jorah, why? Do we think Theon’s really a people again, or shall we just write all of the these people off as dead? Also, how beautiful was that shot of Theon washing his bloody face off in the ocean? 

Jim: Of course women don’t owe men sex in exchange for friendship. They owe men sex in exchange for dinner. Or chocolates. Or compliments. Bitches LOVE chocolates. Everybody knows that, right Es?

I was the lone Theon-apologist for many seasons on this blog until I finally jumped ship, just as he did earlier this season, when he left Yara to her Uncle Euron. All I can say is that finally, Theon has taken a major step in his redemption story. Euron may end up killing him but he’s gonna go down swinging, which is all we could ever ask for. By we, I mean me. Theon is back! What is dead may never die, indeed.

So wait, does Theon getting his second wind and whooping ass only after a failed attempt to kick him where his cock used to be, prove or disprove Jaime & Bronn’s All About the Cock theory? Hard to say.

I'm just gonna leave this here.

I’m just gonna leave this here.

Es: Okay, seriously. *I* now need to jump into this fray, Jim?

Oh, for pity’s sake… you’ve initiated my Agitated Screed Mode (which I know you LOVE).

Buckle in everyone. There’s no turning back for me now, and I’m quite possibly about to annoy some people. (Well, more so than usual.)

You see, James, SOME bitches love chocolate (because chocolate is wonderful… like to the point where it is probably my best friend). And yes, Lacey is 100 million percent right in that women do not… I repeat, Jim, do NOT… owe men (or women, or our non-binary friends) sex for friendship… or compliments…. or, yes, even chocolate. (Though *I* might have sex for chocolate if it was like really, REALLY fucking good, but that’s going down a road best left untraveled….)

Annnnyway… that said… how did “Friendzone” start to only apply to males?? Women can MOST DEFINITELY be in the Friendzone as well. (Like for real, for real.)

It’s a term that started out as a way of saying “Person X is someone who has big feelings for their friend, Person Y, but Person Y will never see Person X in such a way and will only offer friendship, even though Person X still continues to have ALL THE FEELS for Person Y.”

But now, somehow, this concept seems to only apply to men in the man-woman relationship dynamic?? Huh? How? (And, Lacey, I’m not throwing this at you here, but at ALL the peoples who corrupted the term, as I see it a lot… though, admittedly, mostly on Jezebel, which, while I love some of the stuff on that site, some of their other ramblings could set off a whole storm of screeds from me.)

Additionally, just because someone has the feels for someone does NOT mean that they think that person OWES them sex… or anything else for that matter… for their friendship. And so I call bullshit on that notion.

People love to be outraged, though, so along the way, someone co-opted this term and applied it to the dude that was bugging the shit out of her (I’m assuming sexes here because of the now contrived meaning of the term and not for any other reason), because she thought they were friends, but he had feelings for her, and that annoyed the fuck out of her for <Insert Reason Here>.

And by no means am I saying that someone professing their love to you when you thought they were really good friends is anything but bad (and potentially really fucking annoying) if you don’t feel the same way… and I’m not saying people can’t be dicks about it all and perhaps expect something… and those people suck sweaty ass. But some of us who have been in the Friendzone never expected A thing. There is a vital distinction between hope and expectation….

That said, no means no, and no means get the fuck over it. Sometimes feelings, however, are quite difficult to get the fuck over. And in that special, horrendous spot lies the wasteland of the Friendzone, which no one wants to be in.

The key is, kids, if you find yourself in the Friendzone, don’t be a dick about it, and work as pleasantly and nicely as possible to accept that it’s never gonna happen and shut those feelings down.

I’m one of those people who never thinks love is a bad thing… if it is actually love… though love can also lead to a lot of hurt and pain and suffering and tears and the eating of the chocolate.

Now I really better stop this epic digression.

(Lacey: A rebuttal, if I may. I was very tired writing this, and may not necessarily have meant that Jorah is in the Friendzone as I equate it to calling the Friendzone bullshit. Because, people who develop feelings for their friends, or queens, but genuinely value them and respect them as people have two choices, step up and talk to the person about your feelings, which may suck. Or push them down, and hope they go away, which may also suck. What these people will never do is refer to themselves as being in the Friendzone, not seriously anyway. The Friendzone to which I am referring is a construct of toxic masculinity and bro culture in which a dude (or woman or non-binary identifying person, but let’s be honest, usually a dude) gets angry at and places blame on the object of their desire for not returning their feelings when they put forth the “effort” of being their “friend”. I would argue that the Friendzone is a place for people who were never the friend of their intended at all, but dicks. See also: “nice guys” who are rarely very nice to the women they say only ever date assholes. And now, back to Es.)

With ALL of that said, and to bring it back to the matter at hand… Jorah is definitely in the aforementioned Friendzone, but, because I believe he truly loves his queen, he’s not like a super dick about it… at least, I don’t perceive him as such. I think he knows his lot. I think he knows he’s never going to be with her. I don’t think he expects anything from her. But he still loves her. Though, yeah, he can also be a tad annoying and over-protecty with it as well, I suppose. I do not think this gets to Dick Level, though.

And I say this because I can see why he hated when she was sexing on Jim’s boy Daaaaaaarrrrrrriiiioooooo… because Daaaaaaaarrrrrrriiiiiiioooooo is an asshole (and really, he didn’t do anything about it anyway… like he never bothered her with it, and just silently glowered at Daaaaaaarrrrriiioooooo).

AND I also think there was legit worry about her riding north… like I don’t think his logic was wrong. A bit paranoid? Perhaps. But wrong? Not totally. And shit, Tyrion tells her in almost every episode this season, “DON’T DO THE THING! DOING THE THING COULD GET YOU KILLED!!”

Since this is now the Longest Answer Evur, when Jon asked Theon “Why you still talking to me?” I was half expecting a bell to chime as if a Rocky training montage was about to ensue. I do think that Theon will succeed in rescuing his sister, because happy endings. Though as Ramsay Bolton once said to Theon, “If you think this has a happy ending, you haven’t been paying attention.”

jorahLacey: On the map of Westeros in the castle, Jaime is talking to advisers, planning the march to Winterfell. Cersei asks for a moment alone, calls him “the stupidest Lannister” and tells him that she’s not really sending help North. Jaime is, for once, visibly shaken by his sister’s madness. He argues with her that this is more important, and that he swore an oath, and that it won’t matter, because if they don’t fight, they die either way.

Cersei, short-sighted and awful as always, only cares about her family. Besides, she’s got gold and the backing of the Iron Bank, which has bought her the Golden Company to come defend her throne. She also says that no one just walks away from her and Euron went to get them, which sure, okay. I guess? How did she know there would be a perfect moment for Euron to act like he was bailing on the summit?

Anyway, Jaime is appalled at her betrayal, Cersei is Cersei and I’m, quite frankly, a little tired of her. For the second time this episode, she threatens to have The Mountain kill a brother, Jaime calls her bluff and walks away, leaving her alone. As Jaime rides away from King’s Landing, presumably toward Winterfell, snow begins to fall. It falls on him, and on the Dragon Pit, and on the city. Winter has come to the South. 

Do we buy the Euron story? Where is Jaime headed, if it’s to Winterfell, what kind of Stark greeting do we think he will find there? 

Jim: It’s funny you point out Euron having a perfecting exit point cuz my thought was what if the answer to can they swim had been yes? He would have lost his whole reason for leaving. Though I do admit that was a nice little turn I didn’t really see coming. Plus, I’m kind of excited to meet the Golden Company’s battle elephants!! Not many things more impractical, yet intimidating, to ride into battle than a fucking elephant!

Just how does The Mountain know the difference between a Cersei threat and a Cersei death command? Like, does a slight nod mean draw your sword but don’t really use it and a longer nod mean kill the fucker? Seems like that’s a lot of nuance to entrust to a mindless Frankenstein monster man.

I suspect Jaime is indeed heading to Winterfell and Tyrion and he will not be greeted warmly by the North cuz those bitches remember. Speaking of remembering, it was a long time ago but did Bran ever tell anyone that Jaime is the a-hole that pushed him out the window? That’s GOTTA come up, no? Either way, Jon won’t allow anyone to kill Jaime cuz thats just not what he does. I feel like there are two possible outcomes for Jaime – he sacrifices himself to save Tyrion or he survives the battle against the dead and ends up killing Cersei. Whatever his fate, he has had one amazing character arc in this series…perhaps the biggest from beginning to end.

Es: It’s funny because I didn’t even think of the fact that if Jaime goes to Winterfell, he’s gonna run into that kid he paralyzed. Eeeeesh… talk about an awkward reunion.

Also, I touched on Euron. Basically, fuck him

And I agree with both your assessments on it… like what was THAT plan with him bouncing up out of there?

I already professed, and was subsequently creeped out, by my love of Jaime, so as a way of ending my answer here… is Cersei slipping in that she threatened two brothers and both of them walked out of there alive??

Lacey: Speaking of Winterfell, Sam is about to meet Bran. Sam’s face when Bran tells him that he’s the Three-Eyed Raven is everything. EVERYTHING, I say. Actually, there’s a bunch of good comedic stuff in here between John Bradley-West and Isaac Hempstead Wright. Including…

bran-samBut, we have more important things at hand, like, according to Bran, Jon knowing the truth about who he is. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! It’s happening, confirmation of a thing I read about on message boards a decade ago! Sorry. Um, where were we? Bran says that Jon isn’t a Snow, he’s a Sand, because he was a bastard born in Dorne to Rhaegar Targaryen and Lyanna Stark. Sam, who was apparently listening to Gilly last week, says that there was something else in a journal he transcribed, that Rhaegar and Lyanna were married. Bran searches the Three-Eyed Raven’s data banks and comes up with some flashbacks for us, starting with the hand-fastening ceremony of Rhaegar and Lyanna. There was no kidnapping, or rape, Robert’s Rebellion was started on a lie. 

On the boat, Jon goes to Dany’s cabin and she invites him in, as Tyrion watches from down the hall. In voice over, while Jon and Dany are doing the sex, that’s right, the auntie-nephew incest is happening, we learn that Jon’s real name is Aegon Targaryen, that Jon is the real heir to the Iron Throne.

As the three of us have all read the books, can I just say, fucking finally, before I ask about your satisfaction level with this reveal. Was it more me hearing the worst song of all time, Cher’s ‘Believe’ (1), or me hearing, say, Biggie’s ‘Juicy’ (10). Also, does Tyrion know something about Jon and Dany, or is he just another creep in love with the Dragon Queen? If he does know, why keep the info to himself? What was he planning on doing with it?  Has ever a show that’s come before made someone actively root for and against incest? 

Jim: “Incest is best, put your family to the test” – Ancient Targaryen Proverb

Of all the things revealed in this season finale, the one that has me scratching my head the most was the look on Tyrion’s face while Auntie and Nephew were playing ride the dragon. On the surface this seems like something he would endorse as he would probably encourage them to ally through marriage. It didn’t register as him being in love with Dany, I feel it has to have something to do with whatever he said to Cersei in the rest of their meeting we didn’t get to see. Did Tyrion promise Cersei something for her “baby?” He was awfully concerned a few weeks ago with who would be Dany’s heir after she was gone. Or is it as simple as he doesn’t want people doing stuff for love since that always clouds people’s judgement? Something is going on here and now we have to wait 2 god damn years to find out what.

Excellent use of levity between Sam & the utterly humorless Bran. I saw something on social media this week that said Orin from Parks & Recreation was the Bran of Pawnee. Apt and hilarious!

ben orinTell me, just who are these monsters actively rooting against incest?? Oh wait, I mean, boo incest…

Es: Firstly, for me, this was Sam’s best scene IN THE SERIES. I legit laughed at least twice at his reactions. Damn… that boy is growing on me.

Sam branSecondly, to answer your question, the reveal to me was about a 9. It was pretty fabulous, and what made it for me was the Rhaegar and Lyanna wedding flashback… and not only because I’m super into weddings. It was just pretty awesome to me to see Rhaegar for the first time.

I only deduct a point because of Jon’s actual name.. Aegon. LIke, um, wasn’t that the name of one of Rhaegar and Elia Martell’s kids?? In which case, that’s just sort of… um… ew.

Also, lemme NERD this shit up a bit. Jon wouldn’t have been a DORNISH bastard, even though he was born there, because Rhaegar wasn’t from Dorne. Rhaegar was from the Crownlands. So, basically, Jon’s bastard last name wouldn’t have been Snow or Sand (as Bran says), but Waters. (Ed. note: I was totally wondering about this, but couldn’t remember the rules on bastard naming, re: place of birth vs. parent.)

Fuck do I lead a sad, sad and lonely existence.

ANYWAY….

I, too, was wondering what was up with Tyrion. Something is DEFINITELY amiss there.

Lastly, I saw/heard a lot of people really balking at the new incest in this episode. And while I get the BLECH of this, I’m also like, they’ve been heading toward this from the jump. This sort of IS the “natural” progression of this story line… especially since, much like Scotty, Jonny doesn’t know… and neither does Dany.

IMG_4878Lacey: Sansa and Arya are having a lovely chat about how they admire each other, but don’t want to be the other, or really understand each other. Arya notes that they have to protect each other now. Sansa quotes Ned quoting someone else, “When the snow falls and the cold wind blows, the lone wolf dies, but the pack survives.” And, with Jon returning to Winterfell, the remainder of the Stark pack is about be together once again. 

The Bran member of the pack is ravening in the god’s wood, which takes us up to Eastwatch, where Tormund and Beric Dondarrion are looking north over the Wall. Suddenly, a rider emerges from the woods, followed by a straggly pack of dead folks. The Army of the Dead has arrived at the Wall. Everything goes quiet and we hear an icy screeching. Oh, man, ICE DRAGON!!!!! IceViserion, with tattered wings and blue eyes, is being ridden by the Night King. He roars, as Tormund tells everyone to run. As he takes a pass by the Wall, he breathes blue flames and the Wall starts to crumble. The edge of the wall falls into the sea, creating a path wide enough for the dead to march through. It has really begun, the White Walkers are south of the Wall. 

So, ice dragon, huh? You’d think after doing this professionally for years, I’d have something else, but, man. Ice dragon. I’m blown away by this episode, the effects, again, the cinematic quality of it all. Just talk amongst yourselves, get out your emotions, put your bad thoughts in the Burn Book (pun intended), tell me what you think I missed, while I try to come up with something clever to close with. Although I’m not sure I’ll be able to, because, Tormund, he’s okay, right?

BURN_BOOKJim: The specter of Dead Ned has hung heavy over this abbreviated season and when Arya paraphrases his words about being the executioner while Sansa passed the sentence, it’s clear they have brought teamwork to Ned’s old school ways. They’re such millennials… While all of them being together again soon is something to celebrate it’s clear that their father’s death has forever changed how they’ll relate as a family, in both positive and negative ways.

With this and all TV shows, I operate under the If You Didn’t See Them Explicitly Die on Screen, Then They Are Still Alive corollary, therefore Tormund and Beric are still alive. Now they just need a ticket for the Hyperloop to get back to Winterfell & tell Jon before the Night King gets there.164696027314-png__700Something that stood out to me, either cuz I forgot or just didn’t know – ZOMBIE GIANTS!! I didn’t know there were zombie fucking giants involved.

I love that the Night King has turned out to be the ultimate BOSS in this world. While it took Dany & her dragons seasons to mature while we speculated about who could maybe ride them, this fucker took one down, started riding that bitch, and destroyed a portion of the Wall inside of two episodes! He is the complete opposite of the Orcs in Lord of the Rings who never seemed to pose a real threat to the heroes. This guy can fuck up a lot of shit. Are they going to even have a kingdom worth fighting for after he’s finished with Westeros?

Quick history question for you two – wasn’t there supposed to be magic built into the wall? If so, does the blue dragon flame simply cancel it out? I forget what the magic was intended to stop.

Regardless of the answer, this season was so highly entertaining and epic that I can look past any perceived faults it may have had. There haven’t been many shows I have been more excited to watch every week than this one and I can’t wait to write more recaps with youse – ya know, a year an 9 months from now. Hmm…9 months, like how long Cersei will be faking her pregnancy??

Es: First off, to allay your fears, my friend… I believe that both Tormund and Beric are alive at the top of The Wall. Where they go from there, though, is anyone’s guess.

Secondly, as I mentioned at some point in the tomes above, I can’t see how next season isn’t one. big. long. epic. battle. If peeps are flying around this map at warp speed, how long will it take for the Army of the Deadz to get to Winterfell? Should everyone just get on mother fucking boats at this point (with or without T-Pain), make like a a tree, and get the hell out of there?

To answer Jim’s question… there was magic in the Wall that stopped the dead from passing, but that magic is apparently gone when the Wall is gone!

As for this season as a whole, I certainly felt it suffered in some aspects, and there are just some GAPING plot holes, which is a little disappointing because the writing was much toighter (like a tiger) early on.

That said, there were some AMAZING scenes, some WONDERFUL payoffs, and none of the characters that I LOVE died…. though is it wrong that I think mayhaps some of them should have? Will most of these people be zombie dragon fodder next season? This seemed like the Empire Strikes Back ending where everything was SO bleak. I just hope that the Ewoks don’t pop up next season to take down the Night King.

got ewoksAnd is that ice the dragon spat or just a blue flame??

All questions we have to wait too too TOO long for. Personally I’m hoping they start off the season with the reunion I have been waiting for — Jon and Arya. That will be my favorite.

And then everyone will be killt. The end.

Lastly for me here, and for this season, I just want to say a BIG thank you to all of you who have read. As my awesome writing partners Jim and Lacey can attest to, putting this together, while fun, is a LOT of work. Seeing ANYONE interested in what we three weirdos (and I say that lovingly and with heart-felt gratitude to the other two “weridos”) have to say, and to the level that some of you have expressed it (like bugging me when the recap isn’t up yet), makes it all SO worthwhile to me. To have people quote a line back to me that I wrote and talk about how they are crying laughing about it, or to tell me that something we wrote gave them a different perspective, or just the fact that people look forward to reading this craziness every week… it is just a fucking joy that I don’t know how to get from anything or anywhere else. And thank you all so much for it. This season has been AMAZING for me from this perspective. I hope we’ve given you as much joy as you’ve given to me.

I plan on being back for the final six episodes, whenever they happen to air. Hopefully you will all be back as well to help us finish the game. Until then… much love to you all, and I wish you good fortune in the wars to come….

GRRMAnd there we have it. I was right, cleverness in tying up this season escapes me when I think about the fact that there will be no more until 2019. And by then, who knows where we’ll all be, hopefully still able to watch and write together, because returning to this fold has been a pleasure. Way to roll content style, peeps! 

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8 thoughts on “Game of Thrones Recap Spectacular: The Dragon and the Wolf

  1. Great right up, as usual – quick question for any or all of you – do you think Ayra uses LittleFinger face to get revenge on Cersei or anyone in King’s Landing? Also, mad props on Tay Tay Bad Blood – I’m sure Jim loved that one, I mean, he is president of her fan club.

    • #FakeNews on the fan club but that’s actually a really good point – I hadn’t considered Arya being in possession of Littlefinger face. That will come in quite handy!

  2. Just throwing it out there (I don’t believe it happened in the show), but Rhaegar wasn’t the heir to the Iron Throne, Viserys was. Aerys wrote Rhaegar out of the will, so to speak. It just bothers me…that is all.

    • I didn’t realize he was “written out of the will”… especially since he was still fighting for his pops until he died in battle…. hmmm….

    • Yeah! And Beric Dondarian gave up his life to re-animate Catelyn Stark so how the hell did he make it to the season 7 finiale? My God how could the showrunners have missed this?

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